This and that…

Gone back and forth whether it is wise to write my blog at this current moment… juries still out and I’m not waiting for them to come back in so… I recognise it is a highly turbulent week ahead with my Sisters first year anniversary of her passing coming up and it is totally throwing me. I know that a lot of it is part of the process but I recognise equally that some of it is that I am not as far on in my grieving process, because of my ongoing grieving process for John, which too is coming thick and fast. I miss him so so much at the minute, I miss the simplicity we had together. As my blog is always honest, I have been grieving the loss of our marriage this week so badly… I genuinely adored being married, and one of the hardest things to accept is that I am not any more, and it was honestly all my dreams come true. I’ve been reflecting on how I was when I met John and what was happening and how when I met him it changed EVERYTHING… it really did. He totally and utterly swept me off my feet and I LOVED it. The fear that is too real currently is his death changes EVERYTHING again and where does it leave me? I literally don’t know what to do without him. “Woah Vickster, come on now, you are making him sound like an idol, remember the Lord!” And I do remember the Lord as the Lord was very much involved in it all, totally, I have so many stories about God’s obvious involvement and that’s partly why John’s passing is such a fucker, for want of a better word, as it screws me up completely, and I do mean that. What am I meant to do without him? With him, I knew what we were doing, and what we were about and what we were heading to, and I knew who we were. I literally now do not know any of those things and the storm it has created in me is like the worst kind ever cause its all those things at once. I can see a point of view that says, “Well you should have had that all sorted out before you were married, you should have been secure in who you were.” And the thing is I believe I thought I was secure in all those areas… the thing is John changed EVERYTHING, maybe even those things?? I don’t know but I do know I have no idea whatsoever what I am meant to do, go, be without him. Believe me, I am trying so hard to find out, I’m literally doing everything I can think of to try and get a hold of myself. When John first died I wrote in one of my blogs, can’t remember which one, that I knew John’s death was something so big there’s no way I could deal with it on my own and hence why I found a therapist as soon as I could, and I know that was 100% the right thing to do, and why I have continued going to see her despite the financial cost of it all. She has literally been a lifeline for me, cause I have so much to work through and part of my problem is on days like this I feel like I am no further along than when John first passed away. I have such a lot to talk about in this weeks session that is physically impossible to get it all into an hour even if I talked non stop. My poor therapist. Anyway must be off to work, which I totally and utterly cannot face. 😦

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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