Didn’t go work on Saturday. Just couldn’t. I had seen something in a shop the day before that had reminded me of John (still can’t bare to think of it to write what it was here…) and it knocked me for six, it literally took my breathe away, I was out with my sister at the time and because I didn’t want her to see how upset I was I just hid that I was crying but inside I felt like I was plummeting to a depth I’ve haven’t been to for a long time, so when Saturday came about 2 hours before I was about to go to work and when my sister had gone out I lost it, I was howling and sobbing and a total wreck, there was no way I could go and that made the whole thing worse as I wanted to. I managed to ring them in between sobs ashamed at the state I was in. Sometimes I feel I need people to know that even though I am quieter than I was (which is so evident) I am trying my hardest to grieve well and still function but it is not always an easy balance. At the moment it is such a bumpy ride, I’m back to not knowing how I’m gonna feel from one moment to the next, and it’s frustrating as I can’t plan anything again, cause I just don’t know. I have been soooo tired the last 2 weeks, that at every available opportunity I have jumped in my bed and slept. I went away at the start of the week with my sister to London as she really needed a break, it was good for her but it wasn’t like it used to be, as we are both grieving our sister so while we had a good time it was also strange and somewhat flat. But I’m glad I did it for Keeley, she needed it. When I came back however, I was exhausted which might not have helped me towards the end of the week and my emotional state. Today I have my 8 hour shift and I’m praying I’m going to be busy cause if not I fear a meltdown on the shop floor and I really don’t need that. Counselling tomorrow, haven’t been for 2 weeks as I was away in London, grateful for that, we have a lot to talk through once again. This feels like such a long road and recovery feels so slow. I know the sudden death of my sister has pushed me back but I’m still in denial about that so….