In one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Beautiful yellow sand, amazing blue sea with the biggest waves. Palm trees galore. Brilliant sunshine. Chilled out atmosphere. And yet the pain and panic I feel, feel unstoppable. It’s such a strange contrast. To be here and be blessed with all of this yet inside of myself is so different. I’m crying out for God to help me. If I’m honest I want Him to take my pain away, but I’m pretty certain He won’t do that. I’m begging Him to meet me in it and get me through it. Sheer panic inside when I think about going home and the things I have to face. Trying so hard to trust God, really am. Trying so hard not to freak out. I feel so out of place. Honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Listening again to a audio book by one of my lecturers on listening to God, to see if that helps me at all. Part of me wonders what God could say that would actually help me. The God I know doesn’t do what I want Him to do… if that makes any sense. Never once has He spoken to me to heal my inward pain. What am I wait for Him to even say? I’m frightened as I feel like I don’t know who I am without John. I knew where I fitted. And I don’t want to make any decisions just so I can feel like I fit, if it’s not what I am meant to be doing or be. But decisions will have to be made fairly shortly. I have always been one to stick my head in the sand about things and it would drive John crazy, and if I stick my head in the sand now things are gonna get real messy real quick. And be ridiculously complicated to sort out. Tired just thinking about it all. Off to sleep. Wish the horrible nervous feeling inside would do one.