Trying to write my next essay but it is seeming very difficult to keep my focus. I just find myself not know what I am doing every 8 minutes. Frustrating. Counselling last night was difficult and wondering if I might still be feeling the effects of that, effects or affects? Still don’t know which is the right one to use, even after been corrected a dozen times in essays and by proofreaders :(.  The grief at the moment is in huge waves and at random moments, and it is so strong I literally feel like it’s going to obliterate me. Sometimes I can hardly breathe and I am exhausted afterwards, physically and emotionally. What is really strange is I can hear everything within me crying out to God in those moments when I’m in its grip. I know that I cannot handle it at all. I just hope God can handle me, my inner dialogue with Him is still very quiet, as I just don’t know what to say to Him. It’s hard to describe but I am almost frightened of talking to Him, cause I don’t want to believe in something that may or may not happen…. if that makes any sense… does this reveal that I hold God accountable for John’s death? I don’t know. Its weird how grief fries your brain, writing this now is like trudging through mud. I’m going for a lie down.