Not had the best day today, woke up feeling very bad. Meant to go out to lunch with someone but couldn’t face it. Stayed in and watched a ridiculous amount of Lewis on Netflix, quite scary really. Had some friends over which was good as I was spiralling downwards fast. Play on at church tonight, everyone there. Found myself driving to tescos on a flat tire that I didn’t notice till I had arrived, walked round it in a strange daze. And people looked at me as if to say ‘you look like you’re in a strange daze’ and I wanted to say back – ‘I really am’ Spent money on total crap- folders, book and colouring pencils, no idea why. I don’t even like shopping, and I definitely shouldn’t be spending money seeing as I don’t have an income. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just want John back so badly, and I honestly don’t know how I am going to live with this. Its so excruciating. Would be good if I could feel God but I can’t which isn’t helping in the slightest. If I could feel something other than pain it would be helpful. Feel like I’m going to go crazy. This just can’t be happening… it just can’t.