Totally exhausted but woke up at 3:50 to go to the toilet but haven’t been able to get back to sleep. My mind just won’t let me. I’m trying so hard to ‘do the right thing’ in all situations, including myself. I don’t want to think about things but if I push the thoughts away am I suppressing my grief? I hope not as I don’t want to do that but the pain is so intense, I can’t handle it. When I cry I only cry a little bit and then it stops… can’t tell you how fed up I am. And its so true that it is the little things that get you the most. Went to tell John something yesterday….the realisation that I cannot is so overwhelming. And its at moments like this that I despair. How will I ever be able to function to a degree of “normality” ever again? Only the Lord knew the depth of my love for John, it can never be summed up into words. The sense of hopelessness is enormous, despite trying my best to remain hopeful it lurks in the background all day and all night long.
My church are still being totally amazing. Still have company, still have meals delivered, still being kept an eye on. They are awesome, and I thank God for them so much, cause I wouldn’t be able to even get off the floor if they hadn’t have lifted me and looked after me so much.