Having a bad night. Enveloped in grief. John’s pillow that I’m “sleeping” on is soaked in tears. Sometimes I feel I can’t breathe. My eyes are stinging and hot. If God really does collect tears my jar is going to be huge. I feel like I could implode and explode all at the same time. How can this be happening? Why can’t this be just a bad dream? I’m so fed up of my conflicting thoughts. I nearly legged it today too. Nearly just got in the car and drove. Don’t know where to. Didn’t care, anywhere really. Good job a text interrupted my thoughts or else who knows where I would be. If I don’t drop off soon I’m gonna take a sleeping tablet as can’t really cry anymore tears and am exhausted. But would that be suppressing the grief? Or using wisdom? Just feel so lonely and horrible and confused, and no one can take it away, apart from The Lord but seeing as I don’t understand the way He works, He may or may not. I’m praying He has grace and mercy on me and I am relieved for some time to sleep. Grief, you are such a heavy weight to bear that no wonder people crumble underneath you and never seem to recover completely. You leave scars that last a lifetime, I’m just waiting for my wounds from you to turn to scars, but it’s gonna take a long time as my wounds are so terribly deep, right down into my heart and soul. Grief you have clouded my vision completely, I cannot see ahead, it’s like my clock has come to a standstill with no restart in sight. I hate walking along with you grief, and I look forward to the day with longing when you will walk beside me no more, but I’m prepared for that day to may be my last day as right now you are too heavy to see you leaving in years or decades to come. So grief take my hand but easy up on the heaviness, just for a moment.