Feeling very strange. Really low and getting lower by the hour and I’m trying my hardest to fight it and nothing’s happening. Feel like I’m in sinking sand, it’s actually quiet frightening. I really don’t like it. I’ve never been like this before. I haven’t slept well for about 4 nights which might not be helping things, so am gonna take mild sleeping aid tonight, because I think if I’m tired I’m worse emotionally anyway so I’m hoping I sleep and will feel better…. mind you the time is 23:56 now…. we’ll I guess we will find out.
Trying to write my next essay but it is seeming very difficult to keep my focus. I just find myself not know what I am doing every 8 minutes. Frustrating. Counselling last night was difficult and wondering if I might still be feeling the effects of that, effects or affects? Still don’t know which is the right one to use, even after been corrected a dozen times in essays and by proofreaders :(. The grief at the moment is in huge waves and at random moments, and it is so strong I literally feel like it’s going to obliterate me. Sometimes I can hardly breathe and I am exhausted afterwards, physically and emotionally. What is really strange is I can hear everything within me crying out to God in those moments when I’m in its grip. I know that I cannot handle it at all. I just hope God can handle me, my inner dialogue with Him is still very quiet, as I just don’t know what to say to Him. It’s hard to describe but I am almost frightened of talking to Him, cause I don’t want to believe in something that may or may not happen…. if that makes any sense… does this reveal that I hold God accountable for John’s death? I don’t know. Its weird how grief fries your brain, writing this now is like trudging through mud. I’m going for a lie down.
Some Sunday mornings John would have me up early and we would go to the local Sunday market and check out how the meat trucks his company ran were set out and how the trade was and he would report back to his boss. We would stand at a distance and watch while having a cup of tea and bacon barm, and then he would go closer and photo them and generally make sure all the staff were on their toes! Today I had to go and pick something of John’s up. Set out and was fine but then when I parked up and got out the car suddenly my senses were filled with the smell and sound of the market and I lost it, started bawling up controllably. The poor staff didn’t know what to do with me. One of them a really hard bald headed man nearly started crying too! It really impacted me deeply and I wasn’t expecting it at all. I think maybe because it was so unique to John, and he loved doing it. And to be there without him felt so so wrong. I’m still really upset. I have a banging headache from crying and my throat hurts because of the lump in it that won’t go. Went to see my good friend whose had a baby and it was so lovely to see her and her little one and I’m so happy for them, but the sadness just came on me really quickly and I had to make a sharp exit. It shouldn’t be this way. This shouldn’t be happening. I miss John so much sometimes I feel like my guts are going to erupt.
Feel so bad today. Missing John so much I can barely handle it. I just want to see him, speak to him, listen to him, hug him so badly. Yearning is one of the worst things about grief, cause I don’t see how it can ever go away. Those yearnings are not going to be fulfilled, (in this life) and that makes them worse. I hate, fear, despise the loneliness. It’s overwhelming at times. I can totally understand why people have mental health problems through grief because I honest feel at times like my mind is just going to flip out, and I get worried I’m just not going to be able to make it through this. And part of me is still scared I’m in denial about it all. What a horrible lonely place to be in, and no one can even stop it.
Saturdays used to ace. If there was nothing on at church which to be fair was quite rare, we would spend the day together doing something, we’d go somewhere or if like today the footie was on, we would do something in the morning then get back home to watch the footie together, John really enjoyed it. Was vile watching it alone today. Hated it. Felt so lonely. Can’t believe this is happening. Cried so much I was nearly sick. Just want him here so badly. Honestly have no idea what to do with myself. This should not be happening. And I feel like I want to go home… but I’m at home, yet I can’t shake the feeling. So tired, even though I’ve slept. So bored even though I haven’t had long periods not doing anything today. So upset. Guess I just go to bed now then…. nothing else left to do 😔😢
Hard weekend, but overall good weekend. Lots of time to think and cry and walk and talk. Attended the service they put on here. Still couldn’t sing. Was annoyed with myself, as yesterday I got a good chance to drill down into Faith questions and how people have continued in their faith and how they have shaped their theology in light of what has gone on, and how they found their theology didn’t match their experience of God and what you do with all that. So last night I felt quite positive. Today in the service John’s favourite scripture was used and it threw me and knackered me up completely. I have experienced God here, not in voice from heaven or a feeling but He has shown me that He knows me. The night before I came I’d googled something, can’t remember what started it off, but you know when one thing leads onto something else and you end up somewhere totally different to where you started out well this was one of this times and I ended up reading about sea mines. And I remember closing the webpage and thinking “That was random” as I had spent about 20 minutes reading all about them. So I arrive at the retreat and go for walk. And what is there by the bench, a statue of a disarmed sea mine. And today in the service I was thinking about it and it reminded me of Nathanael in the Bible in John 1. Nathanael knew that the Lord had seen him. So I guess in a way I can relate to that, but I’m not sure how it helps me or what to do with it, because the service was so difficult and when John’s favourite scriptures where read it brought so much pain, and then Cornerstone was sang with the line ‘Through every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.” And I thought to myself – Hmmm…. Will my anchor hold within the veil?
In Belfast for a young widows retreat run by Care for the family, Young widows Support. Some of my friends kindly paid for me to go. Very grateful. Little apprehensive if I’m honest, some normal as it’s unfamiliar and I’ll be meeting people for the first time. Some of it insecurities, some of it fear that I will be overcome with emotion and freak everyone out. Cried so much this week I have a headache. I always thought I was pretty good at riding the wave of emotions… turns out not so much. Feeling exhausted. Starting to cry now and I can’t even tell you why.
I’m also worried that I may be placing too much expectation on this weekend. But can’t even articulate the expectation I am putting on it. 🤔 Lots of people think it will help me, I hope so. I’m just not entirely sure how as I want the pain to be less but I don’t think that is possible. I want my emotions to settle down so I know where I am from one minute to the next but again, I don’t think that’s possible right now either.
Yesterday at Manchester airport as I was waiting to leave I spotted a nail bar and as my plane was delayed by an hour I decided to get my nails done as I had wanted to before I went away and hadn’t had time so was annoyed I was going and my nails weren’t done, so was pleasantly surprised to find a nail bar. Sat down and chatted with the nail technician about various things then another customer came as my nails were soaking to get my previous shellac off the technician did this other ladies nails, we all got chatting, turn out the other customer is moving permanently to Dubai with her job. Then they ask what I’m doing, and I say I’m going to Belfast for a retreat, thinking that wouldn’t raise too much questions, I was wrong, they asked what kind, so I thought let’s tell them and see their response. So I explained it was for a fairly sad reason. They were very sympathetic and asked lots of questions about John and what had happened and how I was feeling and we chatted for about half an hour. The reason why I’m telling you all this is so you can see the swing of emotions. The day before with my counsellor I had managed to some how get out of me that June was when my wedding anniversary was, and I was dreading it, cause I am so sad about it, it’s unbearable. It took me many tears and sobs and great effort to tell her, as I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else. So during the conversation with the nail bar technician and the other customer they asked me how long I had been married and when our anniversary was. I was able to tell them matter of factly and not even with a hint of emotion. Now you may say ‘Ah, but you don’t know these people and so you were strong, you know your counsellor so you could be real’ but that doesn’t fit as here I am in Belfast with all these people I don’t know around me, crying into my coffee just at the thought of my weddding anniversary. It’s like my emotions are on a pendulum and I just swing into one and then back into the next. I suspect that is part of why I feel so tired. Even though I haven’t been sleeping properly it feels more than physical tiredness. Hoping the Lord hears my cries this weekend…