Been knocked about by grief this week. It’s been beating me like a circus monkey. I look dreadful. Bags and dark circles under my eyes after terrible nightmares when I’ve eventually got to sleep. Feel wretched inside. Should be John’s birthday tomorrow. Can’t handle it. People say the build up is worse than the day which to be fair is what I found when mum passed away. Doesn’t make it any easier though… overwhelming feeling of despair, and thoughts of “What’s the point?” “The worlds going to hell in a hand basket anyway with all the crap on the news that’s happening.” Just want John more than anything ever, life is crap without him, truly.
The grief at the moment is crushing. I’m trying to do stuff and get on and it just keeps knocking me down. It’s the unbearable, breath taking away kind. Trying to sort out John’s business even the first few bits has wiped me out. I don’t know what it is about doing official stuff but it’s like the grief heaps upon me gigantically. On the way home from the bank I almost had to pull over as I was crying that much I could hardly see the road. It’s 10:35am now and I feel like I’ve been in a fight with a heavyweight boxer. Definitely the morning is a write off, hard not to write the rest of the day off, but I’m trying not to. Banging headache, horrible heartache. Think I might be dehydrated too. Water, tea and some crap tv in order. Dogs have just smothered me with kisses and cuddles, which lifts the gloom for a moment or two. Grateful for them.
6 months today John went home to be with the Lord. And no it’s not easier, possibly harder, maybe just different. Sunday means church. I want to enjoy church but I don’t, I really don’t, it’s like when I walk in the door this veil of sadness encompasses me, and I can’t come out of it. It wrecks me completely and messes me up for the rest of the day and normally into Monday. I have no idea what to do about it. Do I have to get used to it? One of the things that’s ticking me off if I’m honest and sometimes I don’t like to be brutally honest on my blog as it’s so public and who knows who’s reading it and who I May unintentionally or even intentionally offend (gulp!). It’s worship songs, they are wrecking me as they can make you sing bold claims that until the rubber hits the road you don’t know whether you can hold to those claims. Will you serve the Lord forever? Can you sing that for real without knowing what will happen? Now I know some people will say, sing it by faith, and that’s great but I have seen too many people sing these things and then walk away. I’m not going to be so arrogant as to claim I shall always serve the Lord, my desire is too, but also I know that when bad things happen my tendency is to blame God and wonder what on earth I’m doing serving Him. Yes I am still serving Him but it’s different, I’m not confident in myself and how I can follow God, it’s Gods Grace that is enabling me to follow Him at the minute. I wouldn’t mind singing “You will keep me serving you.” That would be easier. I don’t understand God so I can’t sing some of the lines of worship songs. I’ve said it before but it’s worth saying as there’s no answers, at the minute I cannot sing ‘Break every chain.’ “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.” While I believe that to be true. When I was praying in Jesus name for John when the doctors were trying to save him and the chains of death were around him, Jesus’ name did nothing. I hate to say it but it’s true. Why? I can’t tell you, I don’t know why. I don’t see the bigger picture, but all I know in that moment is that Jesus’ name didn’t have power to break a chain, so what do I do with that song now?? What do I do with songs that promise God can do anything, when I’ve seen with my eyes that He can but actually it doesn’t mean He necessary will? Do I just become a schizo and sing them even though my heart thinks different? Do I deny what happened to John and my experience and brush it under the carpet? Then what do I do? Will church just be hard forever? God, I hope not. Answers on a postcard.
- Haven’t written for a week. With jet lag and my 2 essays it’s been a funny old time. Coming home was nice to see the dogs and be on familiar ground, but there have been times when the feeling of the house being empty and quiet has been overwhelming. It’s so hard to accept that John has gone. It’s like it’s too big for my mind to process it. Keep thinking about the day he died too, it’s like it’s haunting me, I’ll be fine and then it will just pop into my head and emotional and mentally trip me up. I just try and push it out as soon as I find myself thinking about it. Had to go court this week too, to swear an oath to start probate as John didn’t have a will. That wasn’t particularly pleasant but the build up definitely worse than the actually appointment, it was over in 2 mins. They made it sound like it was going to be awful but it was ok. Looking for a job, to help things tick over as America was ridiculously expensive. Trying to get to sleep but feel so lonely without John, even though the dogs are snuggled up with me and Maria’s next door, none of it take away the fact that John is not here. I’m seriously beginning to think I miss him more everyday. I can understand why people have mental health and health issues when they lose loved ones, cause it’s so overwhelming I think I’m gonna loose my mind at times, or my heart is just going to burst. Real deep anguish, pain and grief is a horrible experience. Praying I get my last essay done tomorrow, then I will have finished the year. I guess that is currently the only good thing that will have happened this year…
On the plane on the way home. Can’t wait to see my little doggies. Gonna snuggle up to them so tight when I get home. Looking forward to a good cup of tea too. I have had an amazing time even if some of it has been incredibly hard and very difficult to push my feelings aside, which to be honest is not wisdom anyway as it will all come out in the wash.
And I’ve had a realisation on the plane after listening to 90’s music and remembering when I was younger and growing up… I’m actually scared of myself… I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true. John made me such a better person. And I’m scared I’m just going to revert to the person I was before I met him, and I really didn’t like that person. Somebody said something to me today that nailed everything on the head, they said “I bet you feel like
You’ve been robbed.” And that’s exactly it. Not only have been robbed of my beautiful, gorgeous husband, my whole life is
Knackered up. Don’t know what to do without John seriously. He always used to say I couldn’t cope when I wasn’t with him. It’s true. I really don’t think I can. Just the thought of John not being home when I get there is vile. How can it be so? I hate it. Got 2 essays to do in a week and half too. Praying I have the mental compacity to do it. Back on English soil in a few hours and it feels like the fight that I’ve had a break from will be more fierce than ever…
In one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Beautiful yellow sand, amazing blue sea with the biggest waves. Palm trees galore. Brilliant sunshine. Chilled out atmosphere. And yet the pain and panic I feel, feel unstoppable. It’s such a strange contrast. To be here and be blessed with all of this yet inside of myself is so different. I’m crying out for God to help me. If I’m honest I want Him to take my pain away, but I’m pretty certain He won’t do that. I’m begging Him to meet me in it and get me through it. Sheer panic inside when I think about going home and the things I have to face. Trying so hard to trust God, really am. Trying so hard not to freak out. I feel so out of place. Honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Listening again to a audio book by one of my lecturers on listening to God, to see if that helps me at all. Part of me wonders what God could say that would actually help me. The God I know doesn’t do what I want Him to do… if that makes any sense. Never once has He spoken to me to heal my inward pain. What am I wait for Him to even say? I’m frightened as I feel like I don’t know who I am without John. I knew where I fitted. And I don’t want to make any decisions just so I can feel like I fit, if it’s not what I am meant to be doing or be. But decisions will have to be made fairly shortly. I have always been one to stick my head in the sand about things and it would drive John crazy, and if I stick my head in the sand now things are gonna get real messy real quick. And be ridiculously complicated to sort out. Tired just thinking about it all. Off to sleep. Wish the horrible nervous feeling inside would do one.
I felt strange that conference had ended. Kind of got used to it. Went for breakfast with friends and met my Pastors there which was good, checked out of hotel and into where I’m staying till tomorrow and then went out shopping for a few bits, sat with feet in the pool and had a slight and chatted with people, also good. Now people I’m staying with are asleep and what’s strange about grief is that it’s patient. It will wait for you. It will be there when you have time to think and feel. It will invade you even when you don’t want it to. No matter how hard you fight it when it’s all quiet it will overtake you. The pain and hurt will come full force sure enough. Even though I’ve had a good week and an amazing experience being here, it doesn’t remove the pain, the grief, the yearning for John. I miss him so much I could burst and all my insides spill out. And it’s slightly harder when you are away from home. Want to cuddle my doggies, and can’t. Trying to focus on the morning. But can only really focus hour by hour at time like this. Don’t want my eyes to be puffy for church in the morning so have to find a way to stop crying but feel like I may not stop for ages. Desperately need sleep too. Hoping the night goes quickly and it’s morning soon.