I am tired, I feel like I’m always in my head, constantly trying to work everything out and even when I’m not doing that I’m thinking about everything deeply. I can’t seem to chill out. It’s wrecking my head. I need some fun, I need something else to think about and something else lighthearted to think about. I’m in desperate need of a really really good long laugh. I need a holiday. I need to get away so badly. And there’s just no way that is happening or even slightly anywhere in sight. I’m so tired of being sad and lonely. I need real consistent friendship and deep laughter like I’ve never needed it before… but who has the time for that? Maybe I’m just missing John without being able to articulate it in this way before. I know I’m holding on, trying to get to the next season or stage of my life or whatever terminology you want to use. It’s ridiculously hard at the minute, I honestly have no idea whether I’m coming or going in SO many different areas, my gosh. I just want all the things that are up in the air at the moment to be settled. Sometimes I have no idea who I am or what I want or like, or even think.  With that in mind… and I may regret this later but I feel I need to make some conscious decisions and cement somethings to somewhere about something somehow.  So here goes…(Take me or leave me). I am still a Christian and love The Lord more than I ever have and am more committed to Him and more serious about Him than any other time of my life. I worry about offending people most of the waking day. I believe Brexit is wrong and needs to be stopped. I enjoy driving but worry about the environmental impact. I can not do maths, not even timetables. I love 90’s pop music. I 100% reject Penal Substitutionary Atonement Theory. I will always be a dog lover, no matter what. I do not like Coriander or any solid food that is red. Simon Baker is one of the most handsome people on the planet. I am still trying to make John proud and feel I am failing consistently. Nancy Carol is my favourite actress followed closely by Gillian Anderson. I’m trying to hold everything and everyone loosely. I want to have a favourite musical artist and a favourite paint artist but I don’t. I have no dress sense. I worry I am lazy. Blue is still my favourite colour. I am an affirming ally of the Christian LGBTQ+ community, who are my beautiful sisters and brothers in Christ. I love the seaside. Winter is no longer my favourite season, spring is. I do not want to be a poster girl for bereaved people or widows. I desire a daily fitness regime.  I am missing so many people from different times and places in my life that sometimes it makes me cry. I want to live more simply.  I worry I haven’t grieved my sister’s death properly. I cannot eat bread without butter on it. I’m addicted to liturgy.  I want to be kinder and gentler. I could watch detective series all day, every day. I am still seriously considering a monastic life despite the numerous monthly signs that suggest someday I should be ordained. I am going grey and I’m gonna go with it. I am no longer worried about changing my mind on things. My favourite saint is Saint Ignatius of Loyola who I sometimes talk to, and refer to him as Iggy.  I still hate putting the bins out and washing up.  I find swearing in context brings me relief. I’m always worried that I’m ungrateful. I have rejected dispensationalism.  I love romance. I have always wanted to take up ballroom dancing. I am worried about having regrets about the decisions I make. I still believe alcohol to be one of the evilest things on the planet.  I hate silent houses but I love silent churches. I want to be overly neat and tidy. Anglo-Catholic worship flicks my switches. I hate most fruit. I err on the side of escapism more often than not. I enjoy a good sing. Even though I don’t want to, I still believe everything happens for a reason. I love jewellery.

So now you know and so do I.

Till next time.

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All out.

A couple of months ago I was chatting to someone and I remarked that even when I feel I can cry no more still more tears come. However I have finally reached the stage where there are no more tears left. I feel like I’m gonna cry and nothing happens or the tiniest moisture appears in my eyes and then vanishes. I honestly didn’t think this was possible. I remarked to my therapist yesterday and she confirmed that sometimes one can cry so much the body can stop producing tears. It’s like it just says ‘enough’. My only reflection on this has been to think “wow… the tears ran out on the same day my savings ran out.” Now I have nothing to spend sadness wise or money wise. I knew the day was fast approaching when I would have to trust God completely financially, but I hadn’t thought about trusting him with my emotions. It’s so strange to feel like you are crying when there are no tears. Happened this morning in silent meditation, and it makes you think your emotions are not real cause there’s no evidence of the sadness. Crying can be such a release for me that thinking about clearing out the house and all Johns things without being able to cry is quite frightening. And if there’s one thing I don’t need more of it is fear. I’m trying and praying so hard not to be afraid when there are so many things to be afraid of. How can I live without John? How can I carry on? How can I live not being married anymore? How will I sell the house when I have no idea what I’m doing? What if the sale goes wrong? What if they find something wrong with the house and I don’t have the money to correct it for the sale? What if it sells and I haven’t found somewhere else to live? Where am I going to live? Where’s the best place? How am I going to live day to day when I don’t earn enough? I still don’t feel able to return to full time work but how will I survive financially? What do I even want to do now? Am I doing completely the wrong thing? Have I made a mess of everything? How can I not screw up my life? I’m praying that I would experience God’s perfect love, cause perfect love casts out fear. I have no other option than to trust God.

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Is this really happening?

Just signed the estate agents document for them to put the house on the market. Cried my eyes out. Sobbed through morning prayer and was glad I was alone doing it, that wasn’t nice for anyone to witness. Now feel empty, emotional and exhausted…its 9:09am. I know a house is a material object and inanimate, but it’s the fact John is not here and we are not doing this together. This is truly one of the hardest things I have ever done, ever. Heres where the secondary losses really kick in. Also, it will be 2 years since John died in 5 days and I feel once again like I just walked out of the hospital. Grateful for bereavement counselling today, pray for my therapist Y’all. She gonna need it.

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Under pressure

Tomorrow is the inquest into my sister’s death. It’s been 6 months since she passed away, and really it’s still hitting me. The last week has been horrible. The pressure I feel at the moment in particular is unlike any I’ve felt in my life, and I’ve been in some high pressured situations having run 2 businesses as well as lots of other crap in my life. This is pressure from nearly all sides of my life. John’s 2nd year anniversary is looming over me coming up the first week of Feb. I’m trying to sell my house to downside as I can’t afford it financially and to say I’m in pinch would be a little understated, trying to keep working when I really have no energy or concentration is one of the hardest fights I’m having, while trying to keep going and functioning as a normal human being with daily tasks. Add to that the grief of losing John and my sister in a relatively short space of time and the prospect of tomorrow’s events is exhausting. My body is aching under the weight of it all. My neck and my shoulder are in agonising pain. I can feel my face starting to tense again due to jaw tension. I don’t want it to be that I come to a place where life has kicked the stuffing out of me so much that I can’t recover but I’m certainly taking a beating at the minute. I’m trying so hard to not be scared and trust in God, this is the hardest battle. A good friend of my says “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Easier said than done. Lord, I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You.

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My broken certitude.

One of the many things that happened when John died was my certitude about things was smashed to pieces which if you have read through my blog I talk about a fair bit. The most worn out phrase I use since John passed away is “yeah….I’m not sure about that anymore.” And while at first it felt like a horrible curse, because the things that I were so sure were black and white suddenly paled into grey, and I was scared. Very scared. However, I have recently discovered it has turned out to be a blessing in the most unexpected ways.

Because I know hold so many things loosely and withhold my judgement I have been able to experience things I never would have if I had labelled and shut things out of my life. I have had far more experiences of God because of it, and I’m very grateful for that.

It’s almost like a whole new world has opened up to me, and it’s a kinder, friendlier one than I ever could have imagined. I have done things I wouldn’t have done a few years ago, I have had conversations with people I wouldn’t have entertained for half a second a few years ago, and they have been some of the most beautiful conversations I’ve ever had, I’ve read books I would absolutely never ever have read and the one I’m reading right now I have to keep putting down cause it’s more like it’s reading me than I am reading it… which makes for an even more interesting read…

So even though my own life feels very much like a train wreck still, I still have no idea what I’m gonna do or where I’m heading and it doesn’t look great right now to say the least, somehow in all of it? God is showing me Himself time and time again, and I just want Him to be first in everything I think, say and do. I want Him more than I want anything else. That is my new certitude now.

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Lyrics from a song can be so powerful and this one spoke so much to me:

“I walk through desert plains here in the open range. Feel like a renegade looking to runaway. Here in the wilderness I’m coming face to face with all that I have done and who I will become.” – In the Grey -William Matthews.

This is so on point right now. I feel like I’m crawling over my whole life AGAIN and trying to work out who I will become. I’m so frustrated that I feel in the same place as I have already been in a few times since John died, and I don’t know whether Paula passing away has churned this back around which could well be likely or events that are rumbling on in my life are triggering it, or a mixture. Regardless it’s a scary place to be, I don’t want to review my whole life again and go over things, I also have no idea who I will become but I am trying to surrender everything to God so that He can make something beautiful out of me. I love Him so much and desire to be close to Him at all times and in all places. I can honestly say I have never wanted The Lord more than I want Him right now…. what does that even mean? I want Him? These are phrases I say without reviewing, and now I have thought about it, what does it mean? I want Him closer than ever before, I want Him in all His fullness, (but that would kill me so..). There are so many times when I feel like a little lost girl not knowing what I’m doing. My only option is to trust God. It’s a scary world without your mum, your husband and one of your sisters. And worse still no other person can give me the answers I’m looking for in terms of what I do and who I become. It has to come from The Lord. And I wonder why I can’t concentrate on anything?? I just want to fast forward this until I’m out the other side and life is better and clearer.

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Tidal Wave.

Yesterday was a day for reminiscing, I went back to the Cathedral I used to work in, and then I went to see my first Vicar and his wife who I adore and It was so good to catch up with them and talk about the years where I was in his congregation and I felt so loved when I left their house it was beautiful. I miss them a lot. Then Keeley and I went out with Dad and we had a toast with him to Paula’s as today should have been Paula’s birthday. Such a hard day. Yesterday I stayed at Keeley’s and then we drove down to Cambridge this morning to be with my nephews and her husband. We went for something to eat together and then we let off a balloon and threw some purple glittery flowers in the canal. Then we left and I dropped Keeley back home then I started the 2 and half hour drive back to Manchester when boom, a 2 hour tidal wave of crippling grief enveloped me. Thank God for cruise control, as that’s what got me home. There is so much going on in my life and things rumbling on (that I can’t go into on this blog), and work, and Christmas and still grieving for John and now grieving for my beloved sister Paula that the pressure is at possibly the maximum that I can handle. The grief was terrifying and lonely, and at times I couldn’t breathe (I knew if I pulled over I may not get home tonight). It took me 35 mins after I’d pulled up at home to gather the strength to walk in the house as my legs were like jelly and I feel like I might have pulled some muscles in my tummy from crying so hard. However…. since I came in I have been showered with constant cuddles and kisses from my Yorkies Alfie and Eric, who have helped cut into the awful gloom and dread I was feeling. I am now absolutely exhausted and feel a little nauseated. Praying I sleep.

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