The temporary paralysis of grief

In just over three weeks it will be the first year anniversary of John going to be with The Lord, and I feel like I’ve circled back round to deep almost uncontrollable grief, which I did not see coming at all. I had such an amazing time away at my uni Residential and God spoke so clearly, so for the following week I drifted through it alright, then his just snuck up on me. Cried so much in the last few days even cried the most I ever have done at bereavement counselling. And I genuinely dislike being sad so for me it’s really hard. Woke up and the first thing I did was cry.. I had many of those days last year and I don’t like it… as I can’t seem to recover afterwards… so now the whole day seems shaky and I’ve sobbed my heart out again after eating breakfast… it’s exhausting. There are things I have to do for the Accountants and I would like to be able to get some work and study done today… how ever I don’t think that’s going to be possible now… it’s like all the energy and reserves have been sucked out of me… and it’s 9:02am…. God was right, I’m not ready for anything yet.

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I’ll be really honest. Yesterday I was really really low. I was even pleading with the Lord to end my life as soon as he possibly could manage. I’m ready, I’m ready to go to heaven. And I want to go sooner rather than later. I can’t deal with this crap. I can’t deal with having to build some kind of life for myself. If the world can survive without beautiful John then it can DEFINITELY survive without me. I add no value to it, really. I’m not just saying that. I promise. What do I do? Exactly. Now you may say, yes but in the future you might do this and that but I have to friging get there first. And that’s gonna take a lot to do. And I ain’t got it. People say I’m strong and doing well and this and that. Not really am I? People will say “Give yourself time” Listen I was drifting about in my life before I met John, when I met him things clicked into place…now I’m back drifting again only worse! I can’t take the drift. I can’t take it. I know I am different to when I met John and so so so much better for it, but right now it doesn’t feel like that at all. Maybe I’m naive, but I honest thought by January I might have recovered some strength or hope or vision… and I haven’t…in fact I’ve got less of all those things 😭. And for the false prophets who told me 2017 was going to be our year and we were going to have the best time ever. Up yours. I won’t be listening to anyone tell me “prophecies” regarding the years ahead any more. Zip it from now on. And if you tell me ‘we are to speak the things that aren’t as though they are” I shall lose my mind on you. Crappy New Year everyone!

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Bah Humbug


imageYou would be forgiven for thinking this post was written by Mrs Ebeneezer Scrooge, after a few lines in.

I have some very strong views about Christmas…. Warning!
So as an alternative to the Queen’s speech this Christmas, here you go:

I do love Christmas, but I’m strongly against its commercialisation. It’s standard by about let’s say September, to start being seduced by festive cheer.
I was speaking to a friend a few days ago and they said they now needed to buy a present for someone as that person had given them a present!
Surely this isn’t what Christmas is about? We don’t give to receive? I doubt whether that person was expecting a present back, but what’s this obligation that we may feel to return giving a gift?

Also, tell me, why do adults still send Christmas cards if all you’re going to write in a card is…

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On the way back to see my Dad for his birthday and see some other family, old friends and pick up my sister for Christmas. Had been looking forward to it, until last night when all of a sudden I realised I am going without John, I know that sounds crazy, as duh obviously, and it’s not like I haven’t been back before, I have a couple of times but this time feels very different, there’s a number for things at play, firstly shock has really worn off now. I look back now and can see definitely the first time I came back I was still in shock, second time less so but managed to wade my way through it. This time not at all. I used to go see my dad with John and he used to love Kenilworth and seeing all my friends. And I used to love catching up with people, now what have I got to tell people? When they ask what have you been doing, what do I say? When they ask what am I going to be doing what do I say? I feel like I have nothing to show 😭. I have stopped at the services, it’s take me about an hour and half, and for the solid hour and half I’ve been driving I’ve been sobbing my heart out. I’m exhausted and I have the whole day ahead of me yet. It’s only 8am 😔. Part of me honestly feels like I can’t do this. I hate doing stuff without John, it’s so rubbish. People are looking at me as I’m crying into my coffee and my phone…. need to buy some tissues for the rest of the journey I guess. I really need the Lord’s strength so this is not a complete train wreck of a visit.

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The fog of grief.

A while ago I joined Widowed and Young, (WAY) but hadn’t really got much out of it as it’s more events based and as I don’t drink it would just be awkward being in pubs and stuff…so haven’t attended any. However, a friend of mine said they have a closed facebook group so I joined and what I found kind of relieved me. (I am also on a closed Christian Young Widows facebook group that is immensely helpful.) Many of the new people on it ask questions and the people who have been widowed longer answer, and good to see stuff when men respond too. At the minute there are lots of people talking about this time of year and how you get through it, and what I have found is that the people widowed longer talk about the first few years (in general, not just at this time) are a strange fog in their memory, then this morning when I was walking the dogs around the park I reflected on the last 10 month without John and I found that it was indeed a strange fog. There are bits that I can remember but largely is a blur. I remember Ireland, Frankfurt, America, a wedding, a baby shower and that’s about it really, the rest is just crying, crying, hurting, hurting, fed-up-ness, horrible loneliness and general crap. All in a weird fog that finds it hard to articulate it all.

Going away for Christmas with my sister and my two little Yorkies as there is no way I could stand to be here. Starting to get a bit fearful about it as just not sure how I’m going to be.  Can’t even finish this post off now…




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The (vicious cycle of) loneliness of being widowed.

Haven’t posted for a long time. Haven’t really had the presence of mind to. Christmas is knackering me up big style. Managed to get my November essay in by the grace of God and even managed to get my highest mark ever, however, since then it’s like my mind has been unable to absorb anything academic at all. Conceded defeat, and have deferred my December essay after taking advice from Uni staff and Bereavement Counsellor.  I realised about 3 weeks ago that during one week I hadn’t seen a single person in 3 days straight.  Desperately lonely, and unbelievably down. And the thing about it is, yes I could have gone out, I even had invitations to go, I also could have gone to prayer at church or life group, the problem is I couldn’t face them. I had no problem with others coming to me, but no-one offered, so I didn’t go out and no one came. One thing I can not face is the shops. Food shopping was hard enough as it was (I since found out that many widowed people struggle with food shopping) but with all the Christmas stuff in the shops, it’s even worse. I don’t expect people to understand not being able to face going out, and I know there are times when I shall have to push through it.

Went away with work down south, had an excellent time. Walking, working and talking. Realy helped me. I’m aware that the next few weeks and months are going to be really tough. First Christmas without John who for the record loved Christmas so much, he would have had the Christmas tree up on the 1st of November, in fact, one year I gave in and let him. We would be buying up the big tubs of sweets ready to have people round and for events. We would be getting ready to do the rehab homes Christmas shop, and getting everyone presents. John was great at buying presents… this is so hard. And when Christmas is over then its the run-up to the first anniversary in February. I’m trying my hardest to make sure I do everything to get through it. It is certainly not easy, and but going away helped me, helped my mind and I got some work done and also getting a good essay result obviously helped me, as it was looming and I thought I’d messed it up. So, all things considered, I feel I’m going into the next few months as well as I can be. I shall, however, do all my food shopping online as cannot face any other way. I can not face ay Christmas parties or get-togethers or the like.. so shall decline all. It feels like every day there are more opportunities to miss John and it’s overwhelming.

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He knows…

Women’s conference was hard, but overall good. I didn’t manage to get to all the sessions, and I was a little disappointed by that and surprised at myself, but I’m ok, so it’s ok, if that makes any sense…

I managed to see dear old friends and people from far away which was excellent and I managed to have good conversations with people about how I am doing and explain a little so they understand which has really helped me. The best part about it, was that God saw my heart and actually granted my hearts desire to get to speak to the founders wife even just for a second and they way that it happened will stay with me forever and I will forever be grateful, as the van with her in pulled away and drove off I thought “Never mind, I’ll have to write to her and tell her what I was going to say” when the van stopped, reversed and stopped in front of me, thinking they had forgotten something, I went to open the door and there she was getting out the van saying “I had to hug you!” I couldn’t believe it but I hugged her and she hugged back tightly. She said she loved me and she had loved my husband… I was overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was thank her for letting me stay in her beach house in the summer, I was not expecting her to say anything like that. It meant such a lot that she would think of John and tell me how she felt about him. She really touched my heart that she would stop the van and have it reverse just for me! I will always remember that moment. God knew that I wanted just a moment with her and it was granted.

I also wanted to have a moment with one more person, but as I had been granted some with Sister Julie I was some what content so wasn’t going to push it, and really thought our paths wouldn’t cross and then yesterday I was invited out to lunch with her. She is the European overseers wife and she is so lovely, again she took time to speak to me, and speak to me about John and tell me how she loves me.

I also got time to spend with another friend who John was very fond of due to them being a missionary. He really had a heart for this couple. I took her to the airport and we chatted about John and all that had happened and she asked me loads of questions which I didn’t find intrusive but was happy that someone was taking an interest. It felt very therapeutic as I thought about things in a way I hadn’t before.

So even though at times the conference was really hard and I missed John sooo so much, especially when I saw people he would be proud of doing well, overall God showed me that He knows me so well. He truly does know my heart and He sees me.

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