Horrible week. Cried a lot. The realisation of it all is knackering me now. Don’t have energy for anything. Spent a lot of time on the sofa watching tv. Friend came over this morning and cooked me brunch which was lovely. Good job or else I’m not sure what I would have done today. Wrote my essay yesterday, can’t get all the words I need for the word count but I really don’t know what else I can say on it. It’s due in soon, so I might try again. Have been in bed for an hour and a half. Sleeping and crying and then sleeping again. Dogs are with me. Pain unbareable. Counselling tonight, then off on a young widowers retreat run by Care For The Family in Northern Ireland. Bit anxious about it. Trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to think about anything too much really.
Actually managed to talk to God today. Told Him a lot of my frustrations and anger. Closed my eyes and cried and told Him that I have no idea what to do and at the minute I don’t have eyes to see Him or ears to hear Him and I just need something.
Genuinely starting to feel like a narcissist. All I do is think about myself it seems. Hate it. Done a lot of thinking this morning. Faith is believing when evidence points otherwise, correct? Well maybe I relied too much on “feeling” God’s presence and being aware of Him. Maybe I didn’t have much faith as I could also sense and feel God. The moment John died that all went away. So is the real test of my faith now? Now when I need God most I can’t sense or feel Him and driving me crazy.
The other thing is I have no choice but to believe. If I ever want to see my beautiful John again, I have to believe in the Lord and everything that comes with that in order to get to heaven and be reunited. But then are my intentions all wrong?? I’m going to heaven to see people not to be with Jesus cause frankly when I needed a miracle from Him for John He didn’t supply one. He could have done and He didnt. And I don’t know how to reconcile that. I don’t know how to get over that. I really don’t, I am so wounded and hurt by it, it’s unimaginable the pain.
I get frustrated and angry cause I’m supposed to ‘trust’ the Lord but I really don’t feel like I can. And I know that God has worked in my life before John died and I’m not dismissing that. Or am I by default? Thinking so many things I feel like a schizophrenic.
I know God has brought other people through this, but that is them, can I really do this? I mean this is something God actually can not do, and it is impossible for Him to get me to come to a place where I can trust Him and not be disappointed in Him. This is something I must do myself…and there is no other alternative for me. Not really, what would I do? And where would I go? I’m exhausted by it all.
My head feels so full of so much stuff. It’s like everything I think is up for discussion and I’m exhausted by it. I think one thing, and then wonder about the totally opposite the next, and then come to the conclusion that I have no idea. About big questions about little questions, about things that matter a big deal and things that don’t. But it’s constant and I can’t help it. I mean I’m not even aware I’m doing it until I don’t reach a conclusion. Have you ever seen a cartoon of a machine and it’s going full pelt and steam starts to come out, that’s what it feels like in my head. The only problem is if bits of the machine start to fly off. God I hope that doesn’t start to happen to my mind. I can understand breakdowns now. Trying to keep myself from one but feel dangerously close and it’s frightening. I really feel like I have no control over it, I have no strength to fight it. Can’t tell you how relieved that tomorrow I have counselling with a physcotherapist, at least I will be with someone who may know what I should do. She’s a Christian too so I won’t getting any funky new age babble either. Even though I’m tired I can’t fall to sleep easily, not sure what that’s about either. Gonna snuggle my dogs and play on my iPad till hopefully at some point I drift off.
Today is so hard. I feel truly awful. Went to Aldi shopping and nearly legged it, heard someone shuffling behind me and reminded me of John’s little shuffle he had. Missing him is overwhelming today. Don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Dreamt about him too, and I actually felt normal, then I woke up with a jump as a realised it was a dream. Im not sure I can take all of this, I’m really not.
Wow. So bored and alone. Life without John is sooo dull. How on earth, yes on earth, am I supposed to pick up the pieces of my life that are in smithereens? How will I ever believe God for anything again? I was believing Him for John’s every moment, and our future and our retirement plans. John and I made a pact that we would only call each other “Dear” when we reached our 70’s. This is just the worst thing ever ever ever. Go forward they say, how the hell am I supposed to do that? Go forward to what? I have nothing to do without John, he was my plan. There was no other option. And there still isn’t. How can there be? “God has things He wants you to do” Well God can do one, cause I don’t want to do anything without John. God gives and God takes away, well that’s crap cause why would He do that? Can’t believe how sad and fed up I am. All I want is John. I’m hurt and angry so stay away.
Still feel like I’m tinkering on the edge of something… don’t know what. Head is in such a spin. Think one thing one minute and then something totally different the next. It’s making me exhausted. And even if you were to ask me what it is I’m thinking of I don’t even think I could tell you, as there’s soooooooooo many things ticking away all at once and because I haven’t settled on what I actually think on the subjects that they would just be random words stringed together. Also more concerning is memories of the day John died return to me, but I can’t tell whether they are real or made up…which is freaking the living daylights out of me. I’m so tired, but sleep only brings nightmares. 2 very wise people this week, talked about trusting God… thing is I was trusting God…. and then John died and I’m just supposed to carry on trusting Him…. hardest thing in the world….and I’m not ready… I just want this all to be a horrible dream and for me to wake up soon, I’m screaming for myself to wake up.