Having a mixed bag of emotions kind a time of lately. Overjoyed, thrilled and ecstatic with the results of my dissertation and then overall degree. Still can’t really believe that I have finished it and I finished it well. Amazing. I have loved it so much and part of me is crushed that it is over. I did try and get funding for a Masters but there were a few complications that meant I couldn’t apply this year but maybe next year God willing. I really hope so. So with my degree ending it does mean that I can focus more on my job which I am grateful for and it seems like a crucial time for them so that is good news too. Now that I am not doing my degree I do have more time on my hands. Obviously I have known this has neem coming for sometime and I have also had an inkling of what to do with it. Basically I have known since the middle of the pandemic (I know, its not over yet so what counts as the middle but you know what I mean!) that at the moment I get the opportunity I absolutely must start building a community to be a part of. Whatever that might look like. When John died I needed time and space alone and I actually couldn’t handle much community at all other than my theological college and work communities. But I was SO lonely during the never ending lockdowns in Manchester that we had it soon dawned on me I was missing a personal community. Obviously not physically attending church had a massive impact on that but more on that some other time. I have recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and so have been trying to work on my diet and exercise but have been feeling under the weather a lot recently and I think it also effected the build up to John’s 42nd birthday. Saturday (the day before Johns birthday) I was feeling unwell, and the heat was making me much worse and all this effected my mood. I sat and cried. So much so the dogs came and snuggled me. I don’t like being in that place its hard. So I wrote out my plan of how to try and carry on :
– Get out more. If feeling well take up friends offers to go round (if there are offers).
– Join a community Group? Join a exercise group?
– Use the car less. Find out where to walk to and from. (Post office might be too far)
– Consistent morning and evening dog walk to help blood sugar levels,
– Sell anything I’m not directly using or need or want. Clear the lounge cupboard completely.
Now that might not sound a lot or very revolutionary but it’s all I’ve got at the moment. I miss John so much and I miss our life but I can’t stop. I miss Paula terribly but I can’t stop. I miss Dad unbelievably but I can’t stop. I’m tired and I can rest but I can’t stop. I have to keep going somehow. And this is what I have for the mean time. I’m trying to be grateful with what I have been given and where I am. Back to one day at a time for a bit.