Got to take the rough with the smooth.

My requests this week to hang out tonight (Friday) from various people have all come back negative when I asked. Which should not really surprise me given that it is one of the first Fridays where things are opening up after lockdown and it’s half term AND people are seeing thier families and friends etc. What has surprised me is the hole of self pity I have found myself in. Normally I am quite good at avoiding them or jumping out quickly, but today that doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m worried that a year of being alone in lockdown and not bubbled might have wrecked my resilience to self pity, which I really hope is not the case. It’s so hard not to think “Another Friday night being a lonely, 38 year old widow. This is how it is now.” And it’s heart breaking. I’ve been so good at being able to not engage with it but right now everything is screaming it at me. Everything. “Come on Vick, what about the Lord?” I hear you say. What about the Lord? Yeah the Trinity are still with me and never leave me which I am grateful for, but as I have said before in my posts, they are not a physical human presence. I mean, part of me is cheeky and tells the Lord that he made me this way to need physical human interaction so he needs to sort it out, I try but people are busy and I get that, and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or people be forced to hang out with me, nobody wants that. Forced hang out, yuck. The problem with self pity is it is too close to self confidence, cause once the woe is me starts then the ‘it’s because no one wants to hang out with you. You are not as funny or lovely as people have said or you think, who would want to hang out with an overweight loser like you?’ So where does that leave me now. Trying to crawl out the hole I’m in which I am going to attempt by having a shower, (why is mowing the lawn so messy or is that only me?), watching some crime detective shows and walking the dogs later on. Hopefully by then it will all have passed and I will be back to my cheery, adventurous self.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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