The Struggles Real.

The other day I did something really scary. It’s something most Christians would never admit to doing. They wouldn’t admit it to themselves that they actually found this true let alone anyone else. After everything I have been through with the Lord, all the things that have happened in my 24 and a half years of being saved, it’s only now I have finally admitted this to God. It’s been coming for a while. But it’s reached its peak. It’s probably taken all these years for me to admit it to myself let alone God. A few days ago I came home after walking the dogs, I dropped to my knees at the side of my bed, burst out crying and I tried to say the words out loud, but for a long time I couldn’t. Even now thinking about it I want to cry. It’s so sad. And I so don’t want it to be the case. But it is. It just is. I managed through sobs of tears to tell God, that because He isn’t physically present, despite how many times I have claimed in public and through worship, actually He isn’t enough for me. Whether it is right or wrong that I should need a physical presence to keep me sane and ok, I don’t know or care, but God is not a physical being who can be with me (I feel like this is blasphemy just thinking it let alone writing it). He can not hug me when I need a hug. He cannot speak to me audibly when I’m lonely. He cannot provide the physical touch I need. AND I HATE IT. I acknowledged that I still believe in Him as much as I ever have done but I have to be honest. Technically He made me this way to be a tactile person and to need physical touch. Not that He is to blame for me not having it, but more an acknowledgement of that is how I am. I have asked Him kindly to be gracious to me. I’m grieved that I cannot find some resolve in me that God can be totally my everything, as I have sung and said many times. Honestly I have been worried that this acknowledgement might be the beginning of the end of my faith, and I pray to God it is not. The truth will set you free right? I did feel much better after I had cried to God about it. I feel better for having said it. Finally something that has niggled at me for years I’ve admitted. God cannot physically provide the touch that I need to be able to function at my best capacity and I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what admitting that means. Does it have to mean anything? I don’t know. I spoke in my last post about how I wondered what the effect of lack of physical touch is having upon me, I did not see this coming though. It’s a horrible thought for me that God Himself cannot somehow make that need go away. I don’t know what happens now. As I previously said I talk to God all day long but in another sense I feel I might have distanced part of myself from Him, cause I just hate the fact that He can’t “meet my every need” like is so often repeated. AT THE SAME time however, I recognise The Lord Almighty is not a genie to grant me all of my desires and needs when and however I want them. I know I am blessed to have shelter, clothes, food, a job, health and I’m grateful for all those things. If this is just “a season” then I’m sorry, its too long. I can’t do it. And if this is “a test” I’m sorry I’m gonna fail it one way or another. I know God is gracious and compassionate and will have mercy on me if, no when, I do fail and I don’t want to take that for granted or use that as an excuse. I also realise that I am so focused on me and my needs at the moment I almost feel like I’m teetering on the edge of hedonism. Maybe I am. This is not easy. I can’t stand it when I struggle with my faith, it drives me up the wall. As if I need this at the moment. As the tears fall as I write this..I know what I want….and it’s not what God can give me. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy, You are the only hope I have.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Faith, Humility, Life, Pride, Teaching, Theology, Uncategorized, Widow and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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