My Dad has been very poorly and was in hospital for 5 weeks. He is out now…apart from the hospital losing him for 2 hours over the weekend when they took him back in briefly. If I’m honest I don’t think he can live on his own any more. I try not to admit that but I’d be lying if I thought he was getting on ok, cause hes very confused, and I don’t think he is coping. The next few weeks we shall find out but that is not helping my mind’s focus on tasks. I did go and see my Dad on Sunday. When he came out of hospital last week I was very tearful that day as I was so relieved and so I was pleased I was getting to see him. I have been so worried about him. When I walked in one of his carers was there. I greeted Dad and then immediately introduced myself to the carer Dave, at which point Dad interrupts me loudly with “Don’t you (meaning me) dare speak to me about religion!” I was taken aback. I NEVER speak to Dad about anything to do with religion, cause I know he doesn’t like it. I dare broach the subject. I have never (and would never) tried to convert him cause the moment I talk about what I’ve been doing if I even mention anything to do with church he makes a hissing sound at me. (Once when I was about 17 he said to me ” Can’t you quit this religion business and just be like everyone else and smoke and drink?” and at his 80th birthday party just as the room hit a quiet lull moment his voice carried through it with “When are you going to pack this religion business in?” Thankfully one of his friends jumped to my defence as I was mortified with “Leave her alone, it’s not doing her any harm.”) He continued, “DO NOT talk to me about religion I don’t want to hear it.” Dave the carer looked stunned and embarrassed. I felt like I’d been punched. Dave the carer made a swift exit. I sat on the sofa and waited for Keeley to arrive. The air was uncomfortable. I tried to make conversation but Dad wasn’t having any of it. I love my Dad I really do, so to have him react to my physical presence in such a way was really difficult. Especially the amount of time and energy I (and the beautiful wonderful friends and people in my community and twitter community) have spent praying for him. I am doing my best to be forgiving and not be bitter about what happened. I know he has not been well and I know he’s confused, but that hurt.
I should be cracking on with an essay, but I am too distracted. Distracted by everything. The ridiculous events of the world in the current pandemic and the stupid situation Manchester finds itself in with being locked into an argument with the Government about what ‘tier’ of pandemic level restrictions. I honestly don’t know how that will resolve itself but its exhausting listening and watching it all get played out. I am excited about writing my dissertation proposal and I’m excited about the reading that is required for it, but I haven’t had the mental focus to do it. That is frustrating me. I’m really really tired. I either lie awake all night or sleep but wake up feeling like I’ve lay awake all night. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever. I have been very lax with my discipline of morning and evening prayer which probably hasn’t helped me as I enjoy the forced rhythm it gives to my life. I know this is going to sound woo woo but bear with me.. I asked the Lord a question today and he answered via Katy Perry lyrics…. surely not I thought. But then actually yeah, He would have to speak to me through that medium as I haven’t given The Trinity space to speak to me any other way the last week or so!
I also have a really good idea for a niche book, however, I wouldn’t be able to write it alone, I would need expert help. And I can’t tell anyone cause they very might take it and run with it. I know there is an audience. And as far as I know (well have googled) no one else has written on the subject… so I’m in a cul -de-sac with that.
I also have a new Twitter crush which this time I am not going to tell them like I did my last one….. (silly girl!). It will all come to nothing and I think is just part of the distractions…. but it’s made me think about my life and losing John and do I actually want another relationship as it will be complicated cause I’m widowed and I’ll never stop loving John and the other person will have to accept that and why should they, and how would I stop myself comparing everything to what I had with John… and on and on and on….. and then the low self confidence kicks in with what would anyone see in me anyway, I have nothing about myself, I have nothing to offer and on and on and on….
So I’m going to go back to my desk and try and read and write for my essay again with out letting all the distractions overwhelm me.