A few thoughts following the last blog post. These thoughts actually started off as a thread of tweets but realised they could and probably should be a blog post. I have extended it a little too.
a) My relationship with The Lord is solid. It really is, I know some people are gonna find that hard to believe, but all I can do is tell you, it is. I also know some people will believe I have been deceived. To which I refer you to point b
b) I believe if I was truly wrong the Holy Spirit has the power to firstly tell me. I am open to their voice, and actively seek it day and night. And secondly to lead me the right way. I’m not sure what else I can do.
c) I am the same person You always knew and (hopefully) loved. I have not changed. My personality is still the same.
d) Possibly an unpopular opinion, but I recognise some people can hide and suppress their feelings and attraction and can do it well and it doesn’t bother them. That’s not me though, I can not. I’d self destruct and I know it.
e) I have to live with myself when there’s no one around, and I couldn’t do that if I was always hiding something and looking over my shoulder. I just couldn’t, it would kill me. I’m see-through. Always have been and clearly always will be.
f) I have not ‘acted’ (however you interpret that) on anything yet, and it remains to be seen whether I shall or not… Does this mean I don’t really know if I am or not? No. It’s doesn’t. Hours of therapy have established that.
g) If you believe I am wrong, this hurdle doesn’t have to mean our friendship is ended. This hurdle can be got over, without accusations, judgements or awkwardness. Should my sexuality really cause a distance between us when it never has before? Is it even worth thinking about?
h) Yes I am worried. Worried about a lot of things. People the most, I guess. I don’t wish to upset or disappoint anyone, and I know that I probably have. But my other options I know would lead me to a very dark place mentally so… partly this is a survival thing for me…
i) My mum due to a myriad of reason drank herself to death, my sister lost her life to suicide, I can not afford to play fast and loose with my mental well being. I just have to do what I have to do, and at this moment this is a part of it.
j) If a theology you hold causes you and/or others so much angst and turmoil surely there has to be something about that theology that needs thinking through and praying and discerning again?
k) Yes, I worry about John and his memory and whether I am tarnishing it, but as my therapist says to me over and over again, nothing can take away from our marriage and what we had together. It will remain how it was no matter what happens. The fact is we had a happy marriage and loved each other very deeply. I loved being married, and I loved John with every inch of my being. Nothing can change that. Ever. I loved that period of my life, it was wonderful. All of it. John, Marriage, our home, our church, our friends.
l) People have been very quiet about this, and I understand that. I know people don’t know how to respond as I didn’t know how to respond to myself for a long time. The cognitive dissonance I faced of pining for John and liking someone else, let alone someone of the same gender as me was absolutely head and heart wrecking. I had to make some peace with it, or else I think I actually might have lost my mind and I’m deadly serious about that.
m) As mentioned in the post I thought this might be the thing that breaks me completely, and for a while I genuinely did. I sat in church for hours, wishing it would all go away (again) and not wanting to have to face it, but I know in my heart of hearts if I skulked out of it, it would just come back around again like it keeps doing. I don’t have the emotional energy to keep going over the same thing. Let’s just face it now, then it’s done. I don’t have to worry about it anymore and I CANNOT tell you the relief of that.
I still love the Lord, I still love you. Surely those are the main things to focus on, no? I’m just trying to do my best, and live as integral to God, myself and everyone else as I can be. It most certainly is not my intention to disappoint or upset anyone. Ok, I’m done. That’s it, that’s all of it.