Ruined but onward.

Yesterday, as I was in Warwickshire visiting my sister, I made a trip to Coventry Cathedral. I absolutely love that place, I always have done since I was a kid. One of the highlights of my life was working (and living) there. I know it’s true of many things in our lives that we don’t really appreciate them at the time, even though I loved working at the Cathedral I realise now I never truly appreciated many things about it. Since John passed away (and now my sister) I understand the significance of it better. The ruins of the old cathedral I can relate to because my whole life was burned down when John died. Everything I had built, carved, moulded, formed, and was immensely proud of, gone. In an instance, no longer. I always knew you could still see bits of the shattered glass in the windowsills in the ruins but I never actually paid attention to them, but yesterday I did.

I stood and wept. These windows will never be restored, never be fixed, they are broken forever. That’s exactly how parts of my life feel. And I just have to accept that. John’s death smashed and broke parts of me forever, irrevocably so. It threw everything into the air. I cannot go back and mend things. It stripped me bare, all the things that I had all neat and tidy and boxed off have been exposed, and I’m sorting through all the damages piece by piece. It has swirled all things from the past up and that’s what drew me to the Cathedral yesterday, I had wrote to someone that there was something in me that I needed to reconcile, and with Coventry Cathedral being the centre for Peace and Reconciliation (if you don’t know the story, google it) I knew that was the time and place to try. I got to this statue, that I have stood and looked at so many times through out the years…

And I forgave the people I needed to forgive. I forgave myself too, they, like myself, were only doing the best that they could with what they knew and had. Then I knew it was time to go into the new Cathedral. I stood looking from the Old ruined Cathedral through the West Screen Glass into the New Cathedral. “Is it time Lord?” I asked. “Time for the new?” No answer. I made my way down the steps and in. As I walked in the unique familiar smell of the building filled my senses, and made me feel a warmth inside. I knew where I was heading, the chapel of the garden of Gethsemane. I have always come and sat in it, at prominent times in my life. When I was made redundant from the Cathedral, when my mum died, when her house was sold and I went to pick up the inheritance. When I was getting married. When John died, when Paula died and now when I myself needed some healing and reconciliation.

I sat and told God how much I love Him and want to serve Him, and how I give everything over into His hands. I felt a comfort come. I lingered first a while and then moved on. I walked around and then stood in the nave gazing into Jesus’ eyes in the tapestry of Christ in Glory. I thought about what I needed reconciling. It irked me. Then I realised. I can not reconcile this, as there is only one reconciler. Jesus Christ. So I prayed, Lord in your mercy, here my prayer. I want to be authentic in everything I do and everything I am. Lord have mercy. Then I turned and left it all in His hands. What a beautiful God we serve. 💕💕💕.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Theology, Widow and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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