And….relax… (or at least try)

My third week since moving. People keep asking me if I have settled in, which seems like a strange question to be asked so early. Can you settle into somewhere straight away after living somewhere else for 10 years? Not to even mention the emotional and physical upheaval of leaving the other place? The first two weeks I missed John like crazy and almost felt like I was having a second wind of bereavement, which I guess is only natural. Psychologically not being in the same place must bring on a grieving of sorts as the unfamiliar and places where John has never been and never will be, and that hold no shared memories become a reality. One thing that is to note however is how much better I feel. I say that because I need to keep reminding myself that I’m ok, as it’s such an unfamiliar feeling. Ever since my Sister passed away suddenly when I was just starting to lift my head out of the grief of John, anytime I feel okish I feel like I’m on unsteady ground that will give way at any moment. This is exactly how I currently feel. I am ok, I am going to be ok but I feel unsteady cause of awful things happening when life started to feel ok, so to now feel like being in a good place makes me unconsciously anticipate something bad is about to happen. I hate this. I really hate this and it’s something I am going to have to talk to my therapist about. Cause even though I am definitely the most relaxed I have been since John died, there’s part of me that won’t let me relax completely. Since moving though I have slept more than I have since John died, and have to have an alarm to wake me up, the first time in 2 years and 7 months. Having a bath (John and I’s house has a wet room) I have found to be a great relaxant, but again there’s a part of me holding back. Often I wonder if I will ever be able to fully relax ever again, or I wonder what it is that would final be the thing to get me to fully relax. I’ll keep trying though.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, Humility, Life, loss and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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