My suspicions were correct…

A couple or a few blog posts ago I mention how I feared that I hadn’t properly grieved my sister’s death. Turns out I was right. Today I got a text saying her cat isn’t well and only has a few days left to live. I am absolutely broken, distraught, mashed up. Totally wiped me out. I know this level of emotion it’s not about a cat. But the thought of him going to be with his mummy (My Sister) is like someone knifing me repeatedly in my guts. Why does he get to see her before me? How can it be that she’s not here? I’m pretty certain that when the time comes for Alfie and/or Eric (My Yorkshire terriers) I will be the same in regards to John. My hearts desire is to see John or Paula that’s all I want and I’m so envious that max the cat will soon be reunited with her and I have to wait it out here. Unfair is an understatement. And yet at the same time I’m please for the cat, I’m happy for Paula that she will have her Max back on her lap. (Please don’t engage in a theological argument about pets in heaven at this point and just indulge me, thanks!) I’m pleased that soon max won’t be in any pain as he’s been ill for a good few years but has limped on, and actually was so helpful when Paula did pass as he was like a connection to her and now we are losing him as well feels we are losing another connection to my sister. I know that is not true but that’s how it feels. I’m meant to be writing my essay which is due in on Monday after an extension and I have no idea how I meant to do that now…. I just want to go back to bed, I’m exhausted. It’s 10:46 am. Grief is such a tsunami at times it destroys all in its path. Problem is I don’t have the time for it right now. I have to get on, I have to get this essay in or else my degree is in jeopardy, and that makes me more sad. Vicious cycle. I currently have estate agents, surveyors, and solicitors chasing me and I can’t deal with any of it. Somebody make the madness stop please. Please. Lord have mercy, cause if You don’t no one else is gonna.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, grief, loss and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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