Yesterday I went to a service at Manchester Cathedral. I knew it was around this time of year that I posted this blog post – https://vickmcq.com/2017/04/19/flawed/ in 2017, what I hadn’t realised was it was on exactly the same week! It’s almost as if God brought me back there at the same time of year to remind me of how far I have come and how much (of what I perceive as) a miracle has happened. If you’ve read the blog post from 2017 I was in such a bad place in my faith. I actually think I was at the lowest I have ever been, it doesn’t necessarily come across in the blog but I really was about to ditch the whole lot. I was in so much anguish I didn’t know how I could continue on with God and was fearful that my faith was over for good. I prayed that somehow by some way God would make it that I didn’t walk away from Him, but I couldn’t see anyway. I told Him my desire is to love Him and serve Him as best I can every single day and I truly never want to let Him go, but I couldn’t see a way ahead. I sat in the Cathedral and cried bitterly for quite some time. 2 years and almost to the day I am back in the Cathedral, and all I could think about was that day and how different the two days were.
Last time I was alone, this time with new people who have become dear friends. Last time bitter, fearful, and filled with grief fuelled sadness, this time laughing as I walked in the Cathedral, some how articulating hopefulness and heart bursting with love for God. This much I can tell you, I NEVER expected this. It was such a lovely time yesterday and I am so grateful. And if you are wondering, No I didn’t get ANY of the answers I asked God in 2017 and now they are not so important to me either. For God to give me the answers I require He would probably have to explain the whole universe and the whole of history leading up to this point, and my little brain couldn’t handle half a morsel of that. I did walk past the chair where I sat in 2017 and I gave it a little wink to physically acknowledge the difference between the 2 years.
There’s still loads going on for me with the house and I’m still struggling with grief to do with John and my sister but me and The Lord are tight. Long may it continue.