Safe.

Therapy today stirred up so much in me, and maybe the whole week, being Mother’s day on Sunday has made me think about a lot of different things. Certainly, my therapist picked up on something bubbling away within me and traced some of my thoughts. On the way home I really started to look at my life and was just devastated by the last two years, and then I began to think of my life as a whole and how I have ended up where I am, and I just feel really crap about it. Swung by church and sat in my car outside it. I went through a period last year and earlier this year where I was sitting in my car outside church almost every day at some point be it early morning, late evenings, after work and randomly in the afternoons, but haven’t done it for a while so it felt a bit strange. I’ve had two panic attacks in the house when I have really cried recently and I thought I know I feel safe at church so if I go there and I cry it might not lead to a panic attack.  And sure enough, it didn’t and I cried a lot. I absolutely sobbed till I couldn’t sob anymore. It’s strange that I don’t feel safe in the house any longer. I knew it would change when my lodgers moved out, but this level of uncomfortableness really isn’t pleasant. I wonder if it is cause I am selling it and trying to let go? I don’t know. The only hope I have for my life is to trust God. There is literally nothing else. I’m tired of it seeming like there is this big blank space in front of me and I’m in desperate need of some direction and focus. Some people might desperately want a big blank space in front of them to do whatever they want and not have anything planned, that for some would be a relief and an opportunity, but for me, it isn’t. For me it’s scary, I’m pleading with the Lord to help me. Give me something. Something solid. Something that I can work towards that’s tangible, cause I honestly just feel adrift without a paddle. I’m not saying life was planned out in fine detail with John, however, it didn’t really matter then cause whatever came we were together and that’s what mattered. Now I’m alone it’s totally different. Lord, I can’t be adrift much longer, you got to do something, step in, speak, whatever, you know what it is. I’m begging.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, counselling, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Perseverance, Uncategorized, Widow and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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