All out.

A couple of months ago I was chatting to someone and I remarked that even when I feel I can cry no more still more tears come. However I have finally reached the stage where there are no more tears left. I feel like I’m gonna cry and nothing happens or the tiniest moisture appears in my eyes and then vanishes. I honestly didn’t think this was possible. I remarked to my therapist yesterday and she confirmed that sometimes one can cry so much the body can stop producing tears. It’s like it just says ‘enough’. My only reflection on this has been to think “wow… the tears ran out on the same day my savings ran out.” Now I have nothing to spend sadness wise or money wise. I knew the day was fast approaching when I would have to trust God completely financially, but I hadn’t thought about trusting him with my emotions. It’s so strange to feel like you are crying when there are no tears. Happened this morning in silent meditation, and it makes you think your emotions are not real cause there’s no evidence of the sadness. Crying can be such a release for me that thinking about clearing out the house and all Johns things without being able to cry is quite frightening. And if there’s one thing I don’t need more of it is fear. I’m trying and praying so hard not to be afraid when there are so many things to be afraid of. How can I live without John? How can I carry on? How can I live not being married anymore? How will I sell the house when I have no idea what I’m doing? What if the sale goes wrong? What if they find something wrong with the house and I don’t have the money to correct it for the sale? What if it sells and I haven’t found somewhere else to live? Where am I going to live? Where’s the best place? How am I going to live day to day when I don’t earn enough? I still don’t feel able to return to full time work but how will I survive financially? What do I even want to do now? Am I doing completely the wrong thing? Have I made a mess of everything? How can I not screw up my life? I’m praying that I would experience God’s perfect love, cause perfect love casts out fear. I have no other option than to trust God.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, counselling, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Perseverance and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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