One of the many things that happened when John died was my certitude about things was smashed to pieces which if you have read through my blog I talk about a fair bit. The most worn out phrase I use since John passed away is “yeah….I’m not sure about that anymore.” And while at first it felt like a horrible curse, because the things that I were so sure were black and white suddenly paled into grey, and I was scared. Very scared. However, I have recently discovered it has turned out to be a blessing in the most unexpected ways.
Because I know hold so many things loosely and withhold my judgement I have been able to experience things I never would have if I had labelled and shut things out of my life. I have had far more experiences of God because of it, and I’m very grateful for that.
It’s almost like a whole new world has opened up to me, and it’s a kinder, friendlier one than I ever could have imagined. I have done things I wouldn’t have done a few years ago, I have had conversations with people I wouldn’t have entertained for half a second a few years ago, and they have been some of the most beautiful conversations I’ve ever had, I’ve read books I would absolutely never ever have read and the one I’m reading right now I have to keep putting down cause it’s more like it’s reading me than I am reading it… which makes for an even more interesting read…
So even though my own life feels very much like a train wreck still, I still have no idea what I’m gonna do or where I’m heading and it doesn’t look great right now to say the least, somehow in all of it? God is showing me Himself time and time again, and I just want Him to be first in everything I think, say and do. I want Him more than I want anything else. That is my new certitude now.