Weekend away was sooo good. Loved it, it was like bright warm sunshine breaking through the clouds of a foggy dark miserable day. Saw old friends which was really really lovely. Learnt about the beautiful Gospel and was taught how to use liturgy in prayer. Liturgy is like a train track, you jump on it and it takes you on a journey that you don’t have to drive yourself. I think that topic might come up in a few blogs time so I’ll leave it there… a lyric popped into my head just before I began writing this and it summed up the last few days for me well. “Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at your feet.” (Lauren Daigle) The truth is I loved John so incredibly much, I loved being married to him and I loved our life together. Yeah sure at times it was incredibly difficult but I still loved it. And letting go of that apart from the everyday loss of John, this for me is the second hardest part. I don’t want to let go of the life I used to have with him, seriously I don’t, I’m clinging to it for dear life and yet it’s already gone… it went when he went to be with God. And it smashes me to smithereens. I knew my place with John, I knew what I had to do, where I had to be, what we were doing, and even going to be doing. Now I know flipping nothing. I haven’t got a clue. And that in and of itself is terrifying. Let alone the fact that John is not here. That is like doubling down on all of it. A couple of things I know: number one, I do not want to get stuck in the past and not be able to move on. Number two, even though it grieves me deeply and I go in and out of denial about this from moment to moment, the truth is my life with John has gone, and it’s kind of like a crumbling monument. Number Three, I HAVE to move on. I know it will take time, my gosh, it is taking time. I would give anything to fast forward this process, really I would. But I can’t. I just have to move when I can and for how much I can. The other lyric’s which are helping at the moment: “If you can calm the raging sea, you can calm the storm in me.” (Skillet) I think I may have written them in a blog back in the spring, but they’ve come back around again. If you were to listen in to my soul you would hear a violent tempest, things are being thrown (mainly by grief, but sometimes by theology and anthropology) about and this line of the song is so apt right now. I have to trust myself to Jesus cause He can calm the storm. The third set of lyrics: “Lord I will wrestle with your heart, but I won’t let you go.” (Rend Collective) I have been through such a lot with God that I know I ain’t letting Him go, not now, not after everything. So whatever lies ahead… whether it’s good, bad or indifferent, I’m not letting Him go.