Pulled in every direction.

Seen my bereavement therapist. She said I was emotionally exhausted and to take sometime off work to recover. Which I have done. Of course this grief is very different to John’s grief for all the obvious reasons that they were different people, played different parts in my life etc etc. The issue comes is that I’m still grieving for John and because the griefs are so different I feel like I’m being pulled in all different directions. For instance- with John’s grief it makes me want to get up but stay at home and be quiet and I had to learn to be content in that which I did just let it do it’s thing, but with this grief I don’t want to be at home at all, or if I am I want to sleep, so at various points of the day I have a tuck to stay at home and be quiet but awake then simultaneously be either asleep or out of the house. I’m also slightly worried about how I can’t quiet differentiate between what is real or not… I know this sounds weird but I just don’t believe I’m experiencing reality and think I’m dreaming. It’s actually quite frightening, I have no idea whether the things that are happening are dreams or reality. My mind feels so fragile, I really don’t like it. I want to be able to read so I can get my head ready for my uni residential but I’ve tried to read and I just can’t. Booked in to a quiet day tomorrow so I’m hoping that will be helpful. I actually feel I need to go away alone for a time but when? I have dogs and need to go back to work at some stage. And all that keeps running through my head is “This can’t be real? Is this real? I’m not sure whether it is.”

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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