On way back home now from being with my family and having my sister funeral yesterday, have pulled over into the services as I was crying so much I couldn’t drive. This blog post may be a complete mess however I realise I have no idea how I am going to be over the next few days or weeks and might not post again.
Firstly I am so proud of my nephews. The eldest was so strong and even wanted to carry the coffin which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness. Just seeing the coffin alone was tragic but watching him carry it was almost unbearable. I so wish I could take their pain away. I would do anything, but I know I cannot. My youngest nephew had a panic attack and had to go out during the service blesss him. I very nearly had a full melt down in the service and started to hyperventilate but at the last second managed to get it under control, by thinking about the hope I have that I will see my dear sister again some day. That chilled me out then, doesn’t chill me out now though, makes me worse as I have to wait to see her and I really don’t want to. There’s so many things left undone and questions left unanswered. This is so cruel. For me personally this is like salt in my wounds from John passing away… I know it’s totally different however it is just as tragic. I literally feel like the rugs been pulled from under me when I was just getting back on it… and I’m still in shock and I’m so scared about the realisation setting in. Best get home as soon as I can to my little doggies.