Limbo round 2

The time in between a bereavement and the funeral is what I call limbo time. You haven’t processed it all, your still in shock and the awfully sobering visual imagery and experience of the finality of the funeral hasn’t happened so you are left in a weird state of limbo where regardless of what has happened or not happened you still are not sure whether it’s all real and happened at all or you are in a horrible nightmare that just can’t be true. Went to Bereavement counselling & therapy on Tuesday my therapist was kind and yet went in hard too when she needed to. Came home exhausted and slept for 2 hours solid. Went to work Thursday but only lasted a few hours. Couldn’t remember any of my log in numbers whatsoever. Ended up sat in church in a weird zoned out state broken intermittently with bouts of crying. Was in bed by 9:30pm just wanted the day to end. Drifted through yesterday, cried a little but honestly not sure I have any tears left. Spent some time in the evening with my Pastors. Love them so much. I can feel the fact that John’s Birthday should be on Tuesday gnawing away at my soul but I feel like I don’t have the energy or emotion to deal with it. I’m a sssooo tired. I know I have to get prepared and packed for the funeral on weds but I just feel overwhelmed with everything and like a rabbit caught in headlights unable to move, so for today, I’m not gonna move. I’ve walked and fed the dogs and now the only thing I feel I can do is sit and watch some mindless tv while my brain tries to process and prepare in the background. What I’m worried about is that phase when I lost John went on for SO long. The only upside of it is, all the things I watched during that time I can’t remember any of them. I watched the entire collection of Lewis and can’t remember a single one! All I want to do is fast forward to my Theology Degree residential in September. That’s the only thing that’s keeping me getting up in the mornings if I’m honest. If I can just get there, some how I feel I’ll be able to ride a bit further, cause then I can press on till the January residential. I realise living from one resi to the next is crazy speak but I literally can’t deal with the thought of all the life that needs to happen before them and in between them. Just being honest. Only God and prayers have kept me this far.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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