I was gonna wait to write this blog post… so it might come out as a load of drivel. More than likely. One of my Sisters past away very suddenly last week. The pain is so awful. When I say it’s horrific I do actually mean that word. I won’t go into details out of respect for my family. I have no idea how to cope with it. I feel like I was just starting to lift my head after John died, I have a job at a supermarket and was getting into a routine and now I feel like I’ve been wiped out again. I know in my head I’m not really as I have built a life here in Manchester and my sister lives far away and we saw each other when we could, but I really loved her so much and respected her so much for all she had come through in her life… and now I just don’t know what to think, or do. I have no desire to do anything…ever again. I literally don’t see the point. The moment John died there has been a longing I’ve had to ‘go home’ which I’ve spoken about, as even when I am at home I don’t feel like I’m at home, now that feeling has doubled. I don’t know where home is so how the hell am I going to get there? And the killer question which is knackering me up once again, how am I going to keep my relationship with God when things keep happening that just don’t make any sense? Do I only want God when everything is going right? But that can’t be the case as I have desperately wanted God even after the worst thing in my life happened. So what does that all mean? 3 weeks ago I had a moral failing that was so out of character for me and I really felt completely out of control but at the same time felt God was very much by my side and ‘with me’ in it. And speaking to me through it. How could that have been? I just don’t understand at all. When I’m deliberately kicking Him in the face he’s right there with me, when I need Him desperately more than ever He seems to disappear? Or am I just a complete whack-job? I thought I knew what loneliness felt like, turns out I didn’t, cause this is a whole different level. This loneliness is a deeper haunting. I literally don’t have the energy for another round of ‘dark night of the soul’ and yet I seem to be hurtling towards it and I can’t stop it. Some people will say, ‘Pack it in. Pick yourself up and get on with it.’ I now understand there are sometimes when people just can’t do that. Even when John died I got up every morning and made sure I was dressed and the like. It’s 11:38am and I’m still in my pj’s. No desire to even get dressed. Lying on the sofa crying intermittently, watching podcasts about space. And I have this feeling that people expect me to carry on as normal, as after all ‘She was only your sister.’ My gosh. I truly hope people don’t think that, but it feels that way. And seeing as the funeral isn’t for a few weeks I’m in the limbo period where the full force hasn’t even hit me yet and that scares the living daylight out of me. Will I ‘get up’ today? It’s not looking good right now. Will I function tomorrow? Who knows? How will I cope with the funeral when it is the day after what would be John’s birthday? These are the cards that have been dealt me, and I really do not want to play.