Today feels like a strange day. Had to go the Accountants to sort some stuff out and hopefully the end is now in sight but there’s still a few hiccups that need sorting out. Got up early and walked the dogs, sorted out paper work and went Accountants and came back, there’s a wedding on today for two of my friends but because I was waiting to hear about a job I didn’t RSVP in time, so I am not going. Everyone in my house are and they are excited, one is a bridesmaid and they were getting ready when I got back and after spending time this morning talking about John to the Accountants it made me feel so empty when I arrived home. The sun is blazing today and sometimes sunshine doesn’t make you feel better, sometimes it highlights the sadness and the loneliness. So took myself off to my favourite cafe that some people who we used to know from running a stall on the local market run, and it is fab. Had some breakfast and they have been very sensitive and kind. Reading a book while I sit here and this line came out and grabbed me “what we learn in Hell is that we want out.” But I read it wrong at first and read it as “what we learn in Hell is want we really want.” But I think both are true. What I learnt when John died which for me is a type of hell, is what I really wanted. And that was The Lord. The Lord in as much fullness as I can get. That’s what I really want. Obviously I wanted ‘out’ of the situation and I still desperately wish this was just a weird nightmare that I can wake up from. But if I can’t have that, I shall have The Lord in as much fullness as I can get. It is the only way for me. In the words of a song – “One way, Jesus, your the only one that I could live for.”