All over the gaff.

Haven’t written for quite a long time really. Not that I haven’t thought about it, or even mentally written for this blog, I have a few times, but I have either thought better of it or got distracted and forgotten them (Widow Brain has kicked in and I might as well have had a sieve for a brain recently.) Its been a very bumpy ride. Basically, I have been emotionally and physically all over the gaff. No better way to describe it. Up and down and round and round. My poor therapist has got a right one on her hands! I still feel like I am in some kind of surreal dream/nightmare that I am going to wake up from, and none of this will have happened. How is that possible? I really do feel like I am missing John more with every passing moment. There have been times of incredible loneliness, and whats weird is the loneliness is so intense sometimes that even when I am offered to go out with people I can’t do it. It’s almost paralysing. I don’t expect anyone to understand as I don’t. I have been applying for part-time jobs which have thrown up all kinds of things in me, I didn’t have much confidence when John was alive, now it’s practically on the floor without his love and support.  I have had a chest infection and now a sinus infection that is not shifting and they have made life harder emotionally. I’m not good when I’m poorly. There are a number of HUGE situations that I need to completely trust God with, as there is no other option, and potentially I could end up in a right mess if He doesn’t bring me through, so if you pray, please pray for me. I generally feel shoved from pillar to post at the moment. I have been attending church very well recently but in a way feeling more and more out of touch with it, which is bothering me, but I don’t have the capacity (emotionally) to get involved so I have to stay on the sidelines for a bit longer. Spiritually I have been alright actually. Baxter Kruger has helped this immensely though, his teaching on the Trinity has really helped my day to day walk with God, and I am more aware of Him throughout the day. I guess that is a very good thing all things considered. Basically I am still living moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day. One foot in front of the other. It’s still all I can do at the moment.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, counselling, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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