Terrible overwhelming grief this morning and its only 9.20am. I am trying to get to church as some of my dear friends are being prayed out as missionaries today and I want to support them but I’m worried I am unable to drive as I’m crying so much. Even as I type this the tears are streaming down my face. I’m trying to regain a bit of composure so that I can make it to church… but church might just be way too much today. All I can think of is this time last year and how its a year next Tuesday that John went to be with the Lord and it is hurting me so much, trying so hard not to clench my jaw or grind my teeth, but still my tooth hurts. I’m totally exhausted. Even if I get to church the pain may be unbearable. They are doing a presentation next week to remember John which is such a beautiful thing to do and I am so grateful and blessed by my church, I honestly love them so much, and obviously, I want and need to be there for that, but I am really scared as I just don’t know how I will do it. I am looking back on the days when I was still in shock with such fondness as I realise I  could just drift through things. Maybe the shock will come back..I’m kind of wishing it will… just to get me through next Sunday, to be fair I wish it would come back at any moment and last a week and a half, so I wouldn’t have to feel this overwhelming crushing grief that is debilitating me so badly.