Honest

I’ll be really honest. Yesterday I was really really low. I was even pleading with the Lord to end my life as soon as he possibly could manage. I’m ready, I’m ready to go to heaven. And I want to go sooner rather than later. I can’t deal with this crap. I can’t deal with having to build some kind of life for myself. If the world can survive without beautiful John then it can DEFINITELY survive without me. I add no value to it, really. I’m not just saying that. I promise. What do I do? Exactly. Now you may say, yes but in the future you might do this and that but I have to friging get there first. And that’s gonna take a lot to do. And I ain’t got it. People say I’m strong and doing well and this and that. Not really am I? People will say “Give yourself time” Listen I was drifting about in my life before I met John, when I met him things clicked into place…now I’m back drifting again only worse! I can’t take the drift. I can’t take it. I know I am different to when I met John and so so so much better for it, but right now it doesn’t feel like that at all. Maybe I’m naive, but I honest thought by January I might have recovered some strength or hope or vision… and I haven’t…in fact I’ve got less of all those things 😭. And for the false prophets who told me 2017 was going to be our year and we were going to have the best time ever. Up yours. I won’t be listening to anyone tell me “prophecies” regarding the years ahead any more. Zip it from now on. And if you tell me ‘we are to speak the things that aren’t as though they are” I shall lose my mind on you. Crappy New Year everyone!

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, grief, Life, loss and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s