A while ago I joined Widowed and Young, (WAY) but hadn’t really got much out of it as it’s more events based and as I don’t drink it would just be awkward being in pubs and stuff…so haven’t attended any. However, a friend of mine said they have a closed facebook group so I joined and what I found kind of relieved me. (I am also on a closed Christian Young Widows facebook group that is immensely helpful.) Many of the new people on it ask questions and the people who have been widowed longer answer, and good to see stuff when men respond too. At the minute there are lots of people talking about this time of year and how you get through it, and what I have found is that the people widowed longer talk about the first few years (in general, not just at this time) are a strange fog in their memory, then this morning when I was walking the dogs around the park I reflected on the last 10 month without John and I found that it was indeed a strange fog. There are bits that I can remember but largely is a blur. I remember Ireland, Frankfurt, America, a wedding, a baby shower and that’s about it really, the rest is just crying, crying, hurting, hurting, fed-up-ness, horrible loneliness and general crap. All in a weird fog that finds it hard to articulate it all.

Going away for Christmas with my sister and my two little Yorkies as there is no way I could stand to be here. Starting to get a bit fearful about it as just not sure how I’m going to be.  Can’t even finish this post off now…