Haven’t posted for a long time. Haven’t really had the presence of mind to. Christmas is knackering me up big style. Managed to get my November essay in by the grace of God and even managed to get my highest mark ever, however, since then it’s like my mind has been unable to absorb anything academic at all. Conceded defeat, and have deferred my December essay after taking advice from Uni staff and Bereavement Counsellor. I realised about 3 weeks ago that during one week I hadn’t seen a single person in 3 days straight. Desperately lonely, and unbelievably down. And the thing about it is, yes I could have gone out, I even had invitations to go, I also could have gone to prayer at church or life group, the problem is I couldn’t face them. I had no problem with others coming to me, but no-one offered, so I didn’t go out and no one came. One thing I can not face is the shops. Food shopping was hard enough as it was (I since found out that many widowed people struggle with food shopping) but with all the Christmas stuff in the shops, it’s even worse. I don’t expect people to understand not being able to face going out, and I know there are times when I shall have to push through it.
Went away with work down south, had an excellent time. Walking, working and talking. Realy helped me. I’m aware that the next few weeks and months are going to be really tough. First Christmas without John who for the record loved Christmas so much, he would have had the Christmas tree up on the 1st of November, in fact, one year I gave in and let him. We would be buying up the big tubs of sweets ready to have people round and for events. We would be getting ready to do the rehab homes Christmas shop, and getting everyone presents. John was great at buying presents… this is so hard. And when Christmas is over then its the run-up to the first anniversary in February. I’m trying my hardest to make sure I do everything to get through it. It is certainly not easy, and but going away helped me, helped my mind and I got some work done and also getting a good essay result obviously helped me, as it was looming and I thought I’d messed it up. So, all things considered, I feel I’m going into the next few months as well as I can be. I shall, however, do all my food shopping online as cannot face any other way. I can not face ay Christmas parties or get-togethers or the like.. so shall decline all. It feels like every day there are more opportunities to miss John and it’s overwhelming.