Not to blow my own trumpet but I’m pretty good at detaching myself from a situation that could overwhelm me and just ‘pushing through’ had to do it loads growing up due to one thing or another just to get through school and college and when I first had jobs, so I’m well accustomed to it. And maybe that it is why I am so shocked at myself when it comes to today and the grief I am feeling. I cannot detach myself or put it aside at times. Even though everything within me wants to, there are times when I just cannot.
Take yesterday for a classic example. Its Sunday and if you have read my previous posts you will know Sundays are a struggle for me and church is a struggle for me too. I walked in and greeted a few people and already in the car on the way there I had started crying so I’m on the back foot as it is. Can I tell you specifically why? Not really, I just felt overwhelmingly sad with grief, and I tried SOOO hard to get it out my system and deal with it so I could go to church and behave somewhat rationally. (I think I can see the subtext of thoughts right there in that sentence but for now, I shall leave it.) I sit down and the next song is one I have heard before and winced at heavily but yesterday it was like a red rag to a bull. ‘Here I am gracefully broken’ I’m not being funny but yesterday it wound me up so bad, I managed to stay in my seat but all I could think of is ‘Are you having a laugh? I am most definitely not gracefully broken and I am very much UNgracefully broken. I didn’t sing and tried to maintain my composure and push through it. Next, we were praying for a dear friend who is not well, and I just couldn’t handle it… it was so emotional I had to get right out of there. Not because I don’t want to pray for my friend, I do and I have been, but it was too emotionally overwhelming for me, and I just couldn’t take it. I really couldn’t even though every ounce of my being wanted to stay I found myself walking out. And I’m ashamed of it. Ashamed that I couldn’t make myself stay. Ashamed that I couldn’t just pray for my friend and get through it, ashamed that I had let it all overwhelm me. And whats worse is if the situation came up again today I would probably do exactly the same, and that frightens me a little.
There’s a women’s conference on that I am to go to and if it gets emotional, which it’s a women’s conference so it probably most definitely will, but I have been able to keep calm and push through. Now you maybe thinking, What would happen if you didn’t keep calm and push through? It’s a good question and unless I am deceived which I don’t think I am (but then I wouldn’t would I?) it’s not so much that I would have a meltdown and never recover however that is a possibility and I think I have spoken about that in a previous post, it is more that I’m not going to do that for the sake of it, meaning I’m not getting into an emotional state just because the atmosphere is emotional. Now let me get this straight I am not alluding to any emotional manipulation going on here, what I am saying is my response to a heightened sense of emotion is that I really don’t want to get over emotional for the sake of it, and I don’t like it one little bit. I am not scared of emotion, within reason. I am scared of over, unnecessary emotion, because I don’t like it. I think it’s a dangerous game to be playing and one that I do not want to be engaging in. Have I over thought the whole thing? Maybe, maybe not. I hope someone understands. You could argue that my response by walking out was an over-emotional response and yes I can see that too. But doesn’t that just prove my point?