I’ll be honest…

Not too sure how to write this blog post really. I am reflecting as I write so it might get messy and interesting…. like the rest of my posts really…

A friend of mine and a member of the church passed away suddenly on Sunday, and now I am faced with a lesser grief inside of the big grief, and that’s very strange indeed. Because I can feel myself going into different stages of grief for him and moving into different ones for John…. I don’t understand, so I don’t expect you to either… but it feels very odd.

Today has been so strange, woke up very anxious about various things that needed to be sorted out and had to ring about 3 different people to get different views that all lined up perfectly which helped greatly, and my anxiety dropped out, thank goodness as it was overwhelming me.

Went shopping as nothing much in the house, then came back feeling very emotional for no reason in particular if you know what I mean… and thought “Oh! I’ve got that documentary on George Michael to watch!’ So sat down to watch it….

Let me first say I used to LOVE George Michael, for many reasons, music, voice, depth and his music and lyrics really connected with me, I was listening mainly to his 1990’s going forward stuff, and when my Nephew was born and tragically passed away after 7 days it was one of George Michael’s songs that God spoke to me through and I didn’t realise it was God till years later…so there’s some background. When I sat down to watch I wasn’t really thinking about any of that…

That documentary wiped me out. I had no idea George Michael’s life had been so affected by grief and bereavement or how many of his songs I had internalised, and had meant a lot to me. And even though the documentary only played snippets of his songs the force on my emotions was so powerful and kind of blindsided me, I sobbed so hard. I have a banging headache and at one point I couldn’t even breathe properly. And even though the documentary was in no way shape or form spiritual, I honestly believe I had a spiritual experience… I know, I know, that sounds like right dodgy theology,  but I can’t help it… I looked back over all the songs I knew from him and all the times and places and things I had felt and thought about and I saw God working in my life… and I was overwhelmingly grateful and…. there’s another emotion but I can’t articulate it right now… maybe it is just grief…

I guess even if I don’t fully understand what that was all about, at least a lot of tears and emotion came out…and my bereavement counsellor would say that can only be a good thing.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, Life, loss, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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