Circles and cycles. 

The so called “5 stages of grief” are not straight forward for anyone as everyone is different and behave and act differently and have different stages some more, some less. For me I am back  where I was a few months ago with thinking everything through. It’s a horrible stage and I’m annoyed that I’m back in it, and I’m dreading if I have to go through this stage again. It’s exhausting. Thinking thinking thinking all day long about everything, over and over again. It’s ten past nine in the evening and I’m going to bed as I’m tired even though I only got up at 8am and have done only 4 hours of study all day long. I hate this stage, cause the thing is there’s only so much you can think about things without trying to guess the future or second guess yourself or your circumstances, or rush ahead in your thinking which for me isn’t so much of a problem as the further off future I can’t seem to think about as it’s too uncertain right now, and any thought I do have either end up with me in unstoppable tears or questioning everything. My main priority is to keep walking with The Lord and honour Him, but because everything has changed with John passing away this has been the biggest struggle I have faced. Also (and this maybe slightly controversial for those who don’t believe in these things) the devil seems to have been tempting me a lot the last few weeks and it gets tiring trying to swerve him, thankfully I know my boundaries and also I couldn’t handle the guilt or shame that I would feel if I succumbed to the temptation at the moment, I just don’t need that complication in my life (When do you ever? But you know what I mean.) So I’m off for an early night. Church in the morning and that’s a whole different mountain to climb…

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, Life, loss and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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