Zero

When John died it’s like everything went to zero. That may not be true but that is how it felt and still feels at times. It’s like every single day I start at zero and some how through out the day I gradually work my way, the most I’ve probably got to is 4 and that was at my theology degree Residential, when John was alive I was on 9.5. And throughout the day something can come and knock me back to zero in an instance, a smell, a sight, a sound, a memory, and back to zero. So my days are spent building, trying to build something of me back up. Sometimes I can be knocked back to zero three or four times and those days I probably get up to 2 at the most before I am back at zero. Which may explain why church is so hard… every second is a sight, a sound, a thought…and I’m at zero. Today has gradually gone down and down, met with one of my Pastors this morning that was alright, verbal processing felt good, but I woke up at zero as I do everyday when I open my eyes and John isn’t there, so at 7am I managed to get up to about 3 for coffee with one of my Pastors but last night when I went to bed I had a sore throat but thought I would shrug it off, but it’s been getting worse and I’ve been feeling rough, and then the thought hit me… I haven’t been poorly without John yet…. back to Zero in one fell swoop. Have remained at zero for about 2 hours and now I’m going to bed as I am so tired, I don’t have the energy to build just to wake up at zero again… I hope a good nights sleep will make me physically better and so tomorrow building won’t be so hard. “Come on Vickster”, I hear you say, “Rely on the Spirit”. You come here and do this and I’ll tell you to rely on the Spirit and we’ll see your response. Harsh, maybe, but I’m just telling it how it is for me.

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, loss and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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