At church worship practice again. Trying to work my little complex self out. Every time I come to church I am just overwhelmed with sadness….but when music is played tears are unstoppable regardless of whether it’s upbeat or slow and emotional. I mean is it just cause I miss John so much when I am here? Is there a weird emotional attachment to this place that means that the grief is more intense and unavoidable? Is it just a matter of time, and eventually I shall feel better? I’m worried that I will never feel different when I am here and I desperately want that not to be the case cause I love my church and all the people here so much and that is why this is even harder and more upsetting. I’m really not sure what to do, so I came to see if I got some of the tears out on a day when no ones here, maybe I might be better on Sunday by then. Having just thought that I didn’t cry at my lodgers wedding and there was music at that…but then I had a reason to be strong then. Logical conclusion is to have a task on a Sunday but I can’t handle any ministry weight at the moment, just the thought tires me out. Maybe there is just no rhyme or reason to grief…. maybe this is just one of those things, and that might well be but it really doesn’t help me, as I can’t do that every Sunday, as it exhausts me and it’s very unpleasant. Crying out to the Lord for wisdom and peace.