Without You

I’ve said before that grief waits for you. It not only waits but it attacks when it has the opportunity. Had a rough week, spent a lot of time alone, watching tv, totally rinsing the detective box sets on Netflix, but grief has waited to get me when I’m not occupied. Driving to a friends house suddenly overcome with grief in huge sobs, the pain totally unbareable. Struck with how I can’t believe I am doing things without John. It’s so wrong. Walking our lodger down the Aisle for her wedding on saturday and John was meant to be doing it. Just can’t believe he’s not here and not doing it. It’s heartbreaking. How can life be carrying on without him? I really don’t want it to. We had our faults and we didn’t have the perfect marriage but I LOVED being married and loved him being my husband, it made me so happy. It devastating that I’m alone and without him. I hate it. I also have realised I am getting overwhelmed really easily and I really don’t like it. Just the thought of doing more than a few things in one day makes me freak out, what is that about? Like I had a very boring list of things to do, like pick up something from the shops, go the post office, go the bank and I felt exhausted just thinking about it. Part of me wants to crack on, and another part of me just wants to stay in bed and never get out again. Didn’t go church again this week, there was a bbq and I couldn’t stand to face he fact that John wouldn’t be there doing it. Overwhelmed again. Felt like I was giving in, but I just couldn’t go, it was too much. I wanted to, but I couldn’t handle it. How are things getting harder? And that horrible feeling of wanting to go home even when I am home is haunting me. Sigh. 😦 

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, grief, loss and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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