I’ve said before that grief waits for you. It not only waits but it attacks when it has the opportunity. Had a rough week, spent a lot of time alone, watching tv, totally rinsing the detective box sets on Netflix, but grief has waited to get me when I’m not occupied. Driving to a friends house suddenly overcome with grief in huge sobs, the pain totally unbareable. Struck with how I can’t believe I am doing things without John. It’s so wrong. Walking our lodger down the Aisle for her wedding on saturday and John was meant to be doing it. Just can’t believe he’s not here and not doing it. It’s heartbreaking. How can life be carrying on without him? I really don’t want it to. We had our faults and we didn’t have the perfect marriage but I LOVED being married and loved him being my husband, it made me so happy. It devastating that I’m alone and without him. I hate it. I also have realised I am getting overwhelmed really easily and I really don’t like it. Just the thought of doing more than a few things in one day makes me freak out, what is that about? Like I had a very boring list of things to do, like pick up something from the shops, go the post office, go the bank and I felt exhausted just thinking about it. Part of me wants to crack on, and another part of me just wants to stay in bed and never get out again. Didn’t go church again this week, there was a bbq and I couldn’t stand to face he fact that John wouldn’t be there doing it. Overwhelmed again. Felt like I was giving in, but I just couldn’t go, it was too much. I wanted to, but I couldn’t handle it. How are things getting harder? And that horrible feeling of wanting to go home even when I am home is haunting me. Sigh. 😦
-
Archives
- April 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- January 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- August 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- May 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- June 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- August 2017
- July 2017
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
-
Meta