Been knocked about by grief this week. It’s been beating me like a circus monkey. I look dreadful. Bags and dark circles under my eyes after terrible nightmares when I’ve eventually got to sleep. Feel wretched inside. Should be John’s birthday tomorrow. Can’t handle it. People say the build up is worse than the day which to be fair is what I found when mum passed away. Doesn’t make it any easier though… overwhelming feeling of despair, and thoughts of “What’s the point?” “The worlds going to hell in a hand basket anyway with all the crap on the news that’s happening.” Just want John more than anything ever, life is crap without him, truly.