Complicated attending.

6 months today John went home to be with the Lord. And no it’s not easier, possibly harder, maybe just different. Sunday means church. I want to enjoy church but I don’t, I really don’t, it’s like when I walk in the door this veil of sadness encompasses me, and I can’t come out of it. It wrecks me completely and messes me up for the rest of the day and normally into Monday. I have no idea what to do about it. Do I have to get used to it? One of the things that’s ticking me off if I’m honest and sometimes I don’t like to be brutally honest on my blog as it’s so public and who knows who’s reading it and who I May unintentionally or even intentionally offend (gulp!). It’s worship songs, they are wrecking me as they can make you sing bold claims that until the rubber hits the road you don’t know whether you can hold to those claims. Will you serve the Lord forever? Can you sing that for real without knowing what will happen? Now I know some people will say, sing it by faith, and that’s great but I have seen too many people sing these things and then walk away. I’m not going to be so arrogant as to claim I shall always serve the Lord, my desire is too, but also I know that when bad things happen my tendency is to blame God and wonder what on earth I’m doing serving Him. Yes I am still serving Him but it’s different, I’m not confident in myself and how I can follow God, it’s Gods Grace that is enabling me to follow Him at the minute. I wouldn’t mind singing “You will keep me serving you.” That would be easier. I don’t understand God so I can’t sing some of the lines of worship songs. I’ve said it before but it’s worth saying as there’s no answers, at the minute I cannot sing ‘Break every chain.’ “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.” While I believe that to be true. When I was praying in Jesus name for John when the doctors were trying to save him and the chains of death were around him, Jesus’ name did nothing. I hate to say it but it’s true. Why? I can’t tell you, I don’t know why. I don’t see the bigger picture, but all I know in that moment is that Jesus’ name didn’t have power to break a chain, so what do I do with that song now?? What do I do with songs that promise God can do anything, when I’ve seen with my eyes that He can but actually it doesn’t mean He necessary will? Do I just become a schizo and sing them even though my heart thinks different? Do I deny what happened to John and my experience and brush it under the carpet? Then what do I do? Will church just be hard forever? God, I hope not. Answers on a postcard. 

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, Faith, grief, loss and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s