- Haven’t written for a week. With jet lag and my 2 essays it’s been a funny old time. Coming home was nice to see the dogs and be on familiar ground, but there have been times when the feeling of the house being empty and quiet has been overwhelming. It’s so hard to accept that John has gone. It’s like it’s too big for my mind to process it. Keep thinking about the day he died too, it’s like it’s haunting me, I’ll be fine and then it will just pop into my head and emotional and mentally trip me up. I just try and push it out as soon as I find myself thinking about it. Had to go court this week too, to swear an oath to start probate as John didn’t have a will. That wasn’t particularly pleasant but the build up definitely worse than the actually appointment, it was over in 2 mins. They made it sound like it was going to be awful but it was ok. Looking for a job, to help things tick over as America was ridiculously expensive. Trying to get to sleep but feel so lonely without John, even though the dogs are snuggled up with me and Maria’s next door, none of it take away the fact that John is not here. I’m seriously beginning to think I miss him more everyday. I can understand why people have mental health and health issues when they lose loved ones, cause it’s so overwhelming I think I’m gonna loose my mind at times, or my heart is just going to burst. Real deep anguish, pain and grief is a horrible experience. Praying I get my last essay done tomorrow, then I will have finished the year. I guess that is currently the only good thing that will have happened this year…
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