Last day of conference today. While it has been extremely hard at times I am SO glad I came. Being with people has helped me immensely. I have truly been riding on people’s prayers and God’s grace. There’s NO WAY in the natural I would be able to even come here, let alone sing, lift my hands and praise and worship God. It’s by God’s Grace and mercy and people’s prayers for me this is even happening. The speakers have all been excellent and the presence of God has been awesome. I have cried a fair bit. I am totally aware that I have nothing to give God. Really. I have no money, at this moment I can’t even say I have a house as it’s in probate. I have no job, I have my little dogs and my possessions and while I love my dogs (a ridiculous amount) possessions mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. And I got so upset about what God could actually do with me ( I knew what He could do with John and I…) and how He could use me and then the worship team sang a song “If you can use anything Lord, you can use me.” I don’t know how but I pray God will still use me in some way. It’s not easy to love Him or trust Him at the minute but I still do. And no He hasn’t given me a specific word yet, and part of me is a little sad and scared about that, but part of me is ok. Even if He doesn’t, what choice do I have but to trust Him. Really? He has done so much in my life, consistently. I still have MASSIVE character flaws which I worry about, I worry they will disqualify me from what He’s called me to do. I have ALWAYS wanted to be used by God and that has not changed. And if you had told me a month ago I would be talking like this I would have laughed in your face. I hope it lasts when I go home. I pray it does but I know grief is a weird thing and can throw you about so I’m trying to keep grounded too. But I’m doing my best to hold on. I’m grateful I came, I’m grateful for the ministry of Victory Outreach International, I’m grateful for my Pastors and leaders, I’m grateful for everything God has done in my life up until this point.
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”
Habakkuk 3:17-18 NIV