Awkward

Grateful to have made it to America, and for the hospitality shown to me. Currently Jet Lagging.. it 3am and I am wide awake after only have 4 hours sleep, after not sleeping for 24 hours while travelling. Woke up with this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, was grateful when some girls from my church turned up to where I am staying, felt much better seeing them. Still got the feeling but I’m hoping it’s manageable. Had a very awkward moment yesterday where I introduced myself to someone I’d never met before and was like ‘Hi, I’m Vicky, nice to meet you.’ And then was totally thrown by what to say about myself…. like I would relate to people through either they might know John which they didn’t or that I did a ministry in church, but cause I haven’t been doing any ministry, I have nothing to say…. wow I didn’t realise how much identity that brought to me, obviously I am aware of the HUGE amount of identity John brought me and trying to navigate the loss of that is truly overwhelming, but I never saw this one coming. Now I’m like… who on earth am I? And what am I doing? It may just be jet lag but I feel terrible. I feel I am like a spare part. I definitely do not want to run back into ministry just for the sake of getting some identity I am aware of that, talk about wrong motives wow.. that would be awful. But also I can’t be in this limbo place forever… but I also can’t function properly yet either so….. head spinning. Body tired, mind awake. Gonna try and lie down maybe..

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
This entry was posted in Bereavement, grief and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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