Some Sunday mornings John would have me up early and we would go to the local Sunday market and check out how the meat trucks his company ran were set out and how the trade was and he would report back to his boss. We would stand at a distance and watch while having a cup of tea and bacon barm, and then he would go closer and photo them and generally make sure all the staff were on their toes! Today I had to go and pick something of John’s up. Set out and was fine but then when I parked up and got out the car suddenly my senses were filled with the smell and sound of the market and I lost it, started bawling up controllably. The poor staff didn’t know what to do with me. One of them a really hard bald headed man nearly started crying too! It really impacted me deeply and I wasn’t expecting it at all. I think maybe because it was so unique to John, and he loved doing it. And to be there without him felt so so wrong. I’m still really upset. I have a banging headache from crying and my throat hurts because of the lump in it that won’t go. Went to see my good friend whose had a baby and it was so lovely to see her and her little one and I’m so happy for them, but the sadness just came on me really quickly and I had to make a sharp exit. It shouldn’t be this way. This shouldn’t be happening. I miss John so much sometimes I feel like my guts are going to erupt.