In Belfast for a young widows retreat run by Care for the family, Young widows Support. Some of my friends kindly paid for me to go. Very grateful. Little apprehensive if I’m honest, some normal as it’s unfamiliar and I’ll be meeting people for the first time. Some of it insecurities, some of it fear that I will be overcome with emotion and freak everyone out. Cried so much this week I have a headache. I always thought I was pretty good at riding the wave of emotions… turns out not so much. Feeling exhausted. Starting to cry now and I can’t even tell you why. 

I’m also worried that I may be placing too much expectation on this weekend. But can’t even articulate the expectation I am putting on it. 🤔 Lots of people think it will help me, I hope so. I’m just not entirely sure how as I want the pain to be less but I don’t think that is possible. I want my emotions to settle down so I know where I am from one minute to the next but again, I don’t think that’s possible right now either. 

Yesterday at Manchester airport as I was waiting to leave I spotted a nail bar and as my plane was delayed by an hour I decided to get my nails done as I had wanted to before I went away and hadn’t had time so was annoyed I was going and my nails weren’t done, so was pleasantly surprised to find a nail bar. Sat down and chatted with the nail technician about various things then another customer came as my nails were soaking to get my previous shellac off the technician did this other ladies nails, we all got chatting, turn out the other customer is moving permanently  to Dubai with her job. Then they ask what I’m doing, and I say I’m going to Belfast for a retreat, thinking that wouldn’t raise too much questions, I was wrong, they asked what kind, so I thought let’s tell them and see their response. So I explained it was for a fairly sad reason. They were very sympathetic and asked lots of questions about John and what had happened and how I was feeling and we chatted for about half an hour. The reason why I’m telling you all this is so you can see the swing of emotions. The day before with my counsellor I had managed to some how get out of me that June was when my wedding anniversary was, and I was dreading it, cause I am so sad about it, it’s unbearable. It took me many tears and sobs and great effort to tell her, as I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else. So during the conversation with the nail bar technician and the other customer they asked me how long I had been married and when our anniversary was. I was able to tell them matter of factly and not even with a hint of emotion. Now you may say ‘Ah, but you don’t know these people and so you were strong, you know your counsellor so you could be real’ but that doesn’t fit as here I am in Belfast with all these people I don’t know around me, crying into my coffee just at the thought of my weddding anniversary. It’s like my emotions are on a pendulum and I just swing into one and then back into the next. I suspect that is part of why I feel so tired. Even though I haven’t been sleeping properly it feels more than physical tiredness. Hoping the Lord hears my cries this weekend…

About vickmcq

A person trying to remember to blog!
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