Genuinely starting to feel like a narcissist. All I do is think about myself it seems. Hate it. Done a lot of thinking this morning. Faith is believing when evidence points otherwise, correct? Well maybe I relied too much on “feeling” God’s presence and being aware of Him. Maybe I didn’t have much faith as I could also sense and feel God. The moment John died that all went away. So is the real test of my faith now? Now when I need God most I can’t sense or feel Him and driving me crazy.
The other thing is I have no choice but to believe. If I ever want to see my beautiful John again, I have to believe in the Lord and everything that comes with that in order to get to heaven and be reunited. But then are my intentions all wrong?? I’m going to heaven to see people not to be with Jesus cause frankly when I needed a miracle from Him for John He didn’t supply one. He could have done and He didnt. And I don’t know how to reconcile that. I don’t know how to get over that. I really don’t, I am so wounded and hurt by it, it’s unimaginable the pain.
I get frustrated and angry cause I’m supposed to ‘trust’ the Lord but I really don’t feel like I can. And I know that God has worked in my life before John died and I’m not dismissing that. Or am I by default? Thinking so many things I feel like a schizophrenic.
I know God has brought other people through this, but that is them, can I really do this? I mean this is something God actually can not do, and it is impossible for Him to get me to come to a place where I can trust Him and not be disappointed in Him. This is something I must do myself…and there is no other alternative for me. Not really, what would I do? And where would I go? I’m exhausted by it all.