Still feel like I’m tinkering on the edge of something… don’t know what. Head is in such a spin. Think one thing one minute and then something totally different the next. It’s making me exhausted. And even if you were to ask me what it is I’m thinking of I don’t even think I could tell you, as there’s soooooooooo many things ticking away all at once and because I haven’t settled on what I actually think on the subjects that they would just be random words stringed together. Also more concerning is memories of the day John died return to me, but I can’t tell whether they are real or made up…which is freaking the living daylights out of me. I’m so tired, but sleep only brings nightmares. 2 very wise people this week, talked about trusting God… thing is I was trusting God…. and then John died and I’m just supposed to carry on trusting Him…. hardest thing in the world….and I’m not ready… I just want this all to be a horrible dream and for me to wake up soon, I’m screaming for myself to wake up.