Meant to write this post yesterday but after finishing my essay I couldn’t bring myself to do any more writing.
Went to worship practice last night as thought it might help- to be in church without John and try and get used to it, so even if I cry uncontrollably no ones really there to witness it and it doesn’t make anyone else feel uncomfortable. It was ridiculously hard, but I cannot continue just going on Sunday and weds and trying to hold it all in, cause that is worse. Better out than in right? And boy did I cry. Eyes still puffy this morning. I’m desperate for church to be somewhere I want to go but it’s so hard at the minute. Today is my birthday and I feel so emotional I don’t want to do anything or see anyone or go anywhere. However I’m picking up Johns mum in a bit to have hair and nails done, in an attempt to mark my birthday even though I don’t want to mark it at all, and wish it would just whizz by unannounced. The loneliness I’m feeling is overwhelming and I have no idea how to deal with it.