Home now. Church had first Bbq without John. Couldn’t face it. Missing him so much. Just want the impossible – him back. I feel like I take one step forward and then 7 steps back. The pain comes back with such force. Some days I think maybe one day I’ll be ok, then other days I feel like I will never be able to do anything ever again, and on those days I don’t want to either. I need to keep in focus what John would want me to do, and how I need to honour him and the Lord but some days I feel like throwing in the towel completely, and yet I know I can’t. I’m tired of this inward struggle that seems to have no respite or end in sight. I feel ridiculously complex, with so much spinning round my head constantly and trying to sieve my way through it all to try and be reasonable and stable. When most of the time I feel totally unreasonable and very wobbly. Must get on with my essay for my degree today, but that feels like a mammoth task. Gonna have to somehow put everything in a box and plough through it. Not sure that’s possible, but I’ll try.