Wednesday today, means prayer at church tonight. I know I should go but I have such a hard time when I am there really considering how not to go, and yet at the same time I want to be in church and around people and I know God’s presence is there, as I have difficulty knowing it when I am alone. Went to on a day trip to Dublin yesterday, had a really good day and although I had to box off my emotions for 98% of the day, it was actually ok to feel like I wasn’t forced to think about my life and whats happened and whats going to happen and what I’m gonna do and how I’m gonna get through, and all the unceasing questions to God about how and why and what and when on endless repeat. Yes I still missed John massively as I was once again aware that he was not by my side and I couldn’t tell him all about the day I had had even though I desperately wanted to. And it was horrible walking into the house knowing that he would not be there. I also found it hard that people kept telling me this past week and the people in Ireland too that “You are strong” Wow! Boy do they not know. I seriously am not strong, if they looked into my mind and heart for a second they would see a pile of smouldering mess. And I despise it. I want it all to be ok, I want my faith to be strong and for me to be singing and declaring God’s praises at the top of my lungs with my hands lifted up… but instead I have nothing of the sort going on inside me. When I do go prayer I sit with my hoodie up hoping no one comes near me incase my thoughts and questions and pain to God suddenly comes tumbling out my mouth. Such a long way to go yet, and Im already exhausted from it all. When I think of the future I am frightened beyond words, theres not a lot of faith there really. And thoughts rush at me like “fear is from the enemy” you shouldn’t be scared, well guess what? I don’t have the energy to fight off the thoughts at the minute. There is such a myriad of things going on in my mind and my heart and I’m worn out by it, yet I can do nothing to stop it. I just hope after people seeing pictures of me smiling yesterday that they don’t think “She’s over it, she’s moving on” I need people to not forget me in their prayers. I need people’s prayers so much right now, I feel like I am tinkering on the edge of something and it doesn’t necessarily feel good. Don’t forget me in your prayers people. Don’t forget me.